s + b

Validation

2012-01-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago, I had a dream where I happened to converse with my childhood (well, more like early high school) villain. It was someone I rarely think of but was absolutely terrified of for a few years.

In the dream I was young and scared and victimized until I suddenly remembered that I'm a grown-up now. Oh, it was empowering to realize that in the years that have passed, my life has become something that I am very, very proud of.

I can't remember exactly what I said to the person in my dream, but whatever it was, I walked away feeling good about myself.

When I woke up, I was a little shaky and teary. But for a few seconds of semi-consciousness in the dark-blue snow-reflected light of our bedroom, I realized that I will make mistakes today, but even with every mistake I will make, in the end, I'll be okay because I'm a person who wants to be good and valiant. I try to be brave and mature and I pray to have charity and to never take offense. That I want to be good and that I try to be good, means that each day I'm becoming good.

I am not who I used to be. I am so much better and so much more.

And I'm sure that you aren't who you used to be either; my mom is always saying that "people are in a constant state of change" - to judge someone by how you remember them (even if it was yesterday) is unfair.

Because I am better today than I was yesterday and you are too.

More on Names: Literary Heroines

2012-01-23T09:28:00.001-08:00

So after much thought (I am serious about giving this child the best name that Steven and I can possibly decide on), we have three criterion for the name. It has to have 1. a beautiful heritage and/or 2. a beautiful sound to it and 3. mean something beautiful.

My brain works in lists, so I've made a plethora of them in those weird moments when you don't really have to do anything, but only have like two minutes of down time (waiting in the grocery line, waiting for Sunday school to start, blowdrying hair with one hand and list-making with the other).

This first list is a list of all of the literary names that we love:

1. Valentine. After Valentine Wiggin from the Ender's Game series. This is one of my all-time favorite books. I've read Ender's Game at least a dozen times and I pretty much stalked the author until he answered all of my questions about the psychology of the characters when he came to my school for a writing forum. I love Valentine. She's so loving and kind but also bold and willing to do what has to be done for the good of everyone. I'd love for our daughter to be named after her - especially since I want to name one of our future sons "Ender", but Steven isn't so on board... so it'd be nice for our family to have some EG representation.

Downside: I can't stand the nickname 'Val'. Ugh. But we could call her 'Valen' instead, which is cute.

2. Scout. After Scout Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird. I just love her and identify with her in so many ways. She's so innocent and sweet. She sees things so clearly because she's so young, and I want our girl to grow up with a very clear understanding of right and wrong. Plus Scout is just so dang cute!

Downside: People might make fun of her for having such a boyish name.

3. Briony. After Briony Tallis in Atonement. I love this story. I love how Briony totally screws up everything and then has to go through heck and lots of pain to really realize how horrible she is and then try to fix things - and still, they don't get fixed. It's so tragic and sad, but also a good reminder to always be honest. And I think it is just a beautiful, beautiful name.

Downside: I don't really want my daughter reading this book. Cause the truth is, it's not very appropriate at times. Embarrassing to admit that one of my favorite books has some questionable scenes at the beginning, but it's the truth.

4. Blythe. After Gilbert Blythe in all of the Anne books (Anne of Green Gables, etc). Because I was in love with him my whole childhood and would love for my girl to love these books as well.

Downside: I don't think there is one.

5. Scarlett. From Gone with the Wind. It's just such a beautiful name.

Downside: I can't stand her. I don't think she ever really redeems herself for being such a snot.

Thoughts? And if you don't mind sharing, will you comment with some of your favorite literary names?

(Disclaimer - I might steal)

What I've Learned from my Experiences with Miscarriage: Part 3

2012-01-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

Photo by Mrs. R

I think this might be the last that I post about my miscarriages. It's interesting for me to watch myself; how months ago, when everything happened, it hurt to see other women with pregnant bellies and healthy newborns and then time passed and the hurt was replaced by a fierce desire to get myself as physically, emotionally and spiritually ready for a new baby as possible - and then now. Now, I feel like I've summitted the peak (easy for me to say, right? I'm pregnant. Of course I feel like I've "won the battle"). Being in a healthy pregnancy has taken away a lot of the hurt and trauma. However. I feel like I've calmed down enough, inside of myself, that I've been able to learn.

What I think I was supposed to learn from our two years of miscarriage and recovery and difficulty getting pregnant and miscarriage and recovery is this: I am becoming a mother.

I don't really mean that in a physical way. I mean it in a very sacred, spiritual way.

I have drawn from things that have happened over my lifetime and my mother's lifetime and her mother's lifetime and from the examples of friends and family around me, this simple truth: there is nothing greater that we, as women, can become in this life, than a "mother". A mother isn't defined by how many (if any) children we have or how difficult it was for us to get those children here. Sheri Dew says it way better than I can:

"Motherhood is more than bearing children... It is the essence of who we are as women.

...Both God the Father and Adam called Eve the "mother of all living" --- and they did so before she ever bore a child."

When we got home from the doctor's office, the day that the last miscarriage was confirmed, after ultrasounds and poking around and tests and blood draws and grim faces, I laid in my sister's bed with the door open just a little.

Gage was asleep; the only sound for a while was the humming of the air conditioner, then my mom's voice and then her heartbroken sobs; she was on the phone with her mom, asking her mother the same things that I had asked her on the drive home. "Why? Why did this have to happen?"

She needed comfort and consolation - not from someone with whom she had merely a biological relationship -- but from a real mother. A woman who always makes time to comfort, who never withholds love, who draws out smiles from tears and gives wonderful advice, but more often just listens. I love my Grandmother and my Grandma.

I'm so grateful for the mothers in my life - some of these women have children, some of them do not. Some of them bore children, others found their babies through adoption. Some are grieving. Some of them are elderly and will not have children in this life, some are young and are in the process of treating and/or accepting infertility. Some don't want to bear children. Some desperately do.

I have been so blessed with mothers, all around me, my whole life. But only after this experience did I recognize that. The desire to become a true mother, spurred by our family's small tragedy, is pushing me to be more kind, less judgmental, more patient and loving.

"There is no limit to what a woman with a mother heart can accomplish" - Julie B. Beck

23 Weeks

2012-01-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: this post is about pregnancy. I know that sometimes when things on the fertility train are rough, it is just not fun to read about someone else's pregnancy. If you aren't feeling it, know that I totally get it if you just close the window.

January is usually my least favorite month of the year, which is why I keep thinking it's February! I am so loving this time of our life and my brain just refuses to believe that I can be this happy in such a horrible, cold, dreary month. But alas, it is so.

We've spent the month just totally playing. I love it. Steven's super busy with school and work, but Gage and I are partying it up every day and when Steven finally gets home, he just jumps in the party and doesn't even complain about how exhausted he must be with his ridiculous schedule of craziness and responsibility.

This little baby (the one inside of me) is g-r-o-w-ing! It's insanity! And she's so calm. Gage was a wild man in there, thumping around in my uterus like Ringo Starr, but this little girl is so relaxed that sometimes I have to poke her a little to feel her squirm around.

I love it.

Bottom line, we're just so content right now. And don't tell me to knock on wood. Cause I won't. Cause I know that when life is fantastic, you just need to live in it wholly and without any fear of what may come. And then when the trials do come (because they always do), you've had an awesome three months or days or years or minutes of blissful happiness, and that happiness carries you through the hard times until things are sunshiney and bright again.

Can I get an "amen"?

Just kidding. But, really, Happy January! Let's hope it stays warm and snow-less.

And what are your thoughts on toddlers and infants sharing a bedroom? (Obviously not until said infant is sleeping through the night). I'd love to hear your opinion.

Gage Day

2012-01-16T08:08:00.000-08:00

Last week, Gage woke up one morning really sad. I asked him lots of questions to narrow down what was going on, and I still couldn't really figure anything out except that he was really down. It was so sad!

So once we got Steven out the door and had eaten breakfast, we declared it "Gage Day".

I'm sad that I only snapped two photos the entire day!

Gage "wrote" letters to his cousins and took them to the mailbox.

Then we went out for chocolate-strawberry cupcakes and bought a new stuffed seal for Gage to snuggle in his stroller. Next we walked up to the school to visit Steven between work and classes. After dinner we went out for french fries as a post-dinner snack.

He went to bed happy.

I'm trying to cherish every second that I have with just him before the next baby is born. I can't wait to have two kiddos, but I am going to miss the days with just my little buddy and me, taking on the world one cupcake at a time...

I love Gage!

Imitation Olive Garden "Zuppa Toscana" Recipe (vegetarian)

2012-01-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

We've started eating almost 100% organic. I say almost because life would be way too expensive/complicated if we were totally organic. Some things are just really hard to find or so pricey. But I'd say we're at about 70%, which is pretty awesome.

A couple nights ago, I was craving Olive Garden's Zuppa Toscana, but didn't want the fatty sausage/buttery broth, so I made my own recipe. It was really easy and super tasty (especially if you like garlic). Here's the recipe:

You'll need (to serve four):

2 large potatoes, sliced thinly
1/2 onion, chopped
A big handful of something green and leafy and hardy - I used parsley but kale would be better
3 big garlic cloves, minced
One can of chicken broth
About 2 cups of water
A large spoonful of alfredo sauce OR a splash of heavy cream and a sprinkling of romano cheese
Salt to taste
Red pepper flakes, a couple shakes should do it

Just start the broth and water in a pot or large saucepan on medium heat, add the potatoes, onions, garlic and spices and cover. When the potatoes are soft, turn the heat to low and add the alfredo sauce/cream and cheese (I used alfredo sauce cause I happened to have some in my cupboard, but either way would be good, I think). Then take it off the stove and stir in the big handful of parsley or kale, or chard would work, too.

{If you are a meat-eater, add browned sausage and/or crispy, chopped bacon when you add the greens.}

Yum! Oh, I also added a couple shakes of garlic salt in addition to the minced garlic.

We ate it with a really delicious salad - mixed org. greens, org. green onions, tomatoes and salt and pepper. It didn't need dressing - the veggies were fresh and flavorful.

If you try this recipe, let me know. I'd love to know if you enjoyed it as much as we did!

Names

2012-01-11T11:50:00.000-08:00

Photo taken at Serendipity in NYC

Since we found out that she's a girl, we've been asked constantly, "So what are you going to name her?"

We're not of the school of thought of keeping names a secret for two reasons: 1. We highly doubt that any name we come up with is so mind-blowingly creative that as soon as we say it or type it, everyone is going to use it and 2. If you happen to like one of the names that we like, and you happen to name your kid that name, and it's a pretty out-there name (some of our names are pretty weird), then we'll know you copied us and rub it in your face for eternity.

Good reasons, right?

So that is why I have no qualms sharing our top ten girls names (in no particular order):

1. Briony - after Briony Tallis in Atonement.

2. Holland - the country and Jeffrey R. Holland, one of our favorites.

3. Calypso - my all-time favorite girl name, but Steven hates it AND we have a niece named Cali, so things might get confusing.

4. Scarlet "Scout" - I've always wanted to name a girl after Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird, but still give her the option of having a sophisticated name. However, Scarlet Redfern sounds more like a nom de plume than a real name.

5. Sparrow - Lovely. But tribal. Sparrow Redfern...

6. Margeaux - because we love the French. But I don't know... I'm not really feeling it lately.

7. Bristol - LOVED until stupid Bristol Palin came along and claimed it. I grew up "near" Bristol Bay and have always loved how it sounds.

8. Pay - after Marjorie Pay Hinckley. I like the simplicity and the originality.

9. Jency - Irish, genealogical name. Cute, but maybe too cute.

10. Jett - Again, love the simplicity, but I don't like how it sounds with "Redfern".

I'd love to hear which ones you like and which ones you don't.

I promise my feelings won't get hurt :)

A Fantastic Birthday Gift

2012-01-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

Bree gave us a great birthday gift this year -- $25 to the Snakebite, her favorite Idaho Falls restaurant along with free babysitting on the night we decided to go.

!!!

She also lent us her car since our stupid car doesn't have a heater. Long, long story. No, it won't be a cheap fix. Yes, we've taken it in to more than one mechanic (four). No, we aren't going to spend more than half of what the stupid car is worth to fix it considering that we'll need a bigger car in four months anyway. Yes, please total our car the next time you see us on the freeway.

Anyway, isn't that just the best gift?

We thought it was pretty wonderful, and then we actually got to the restaurant and realized it was super wonderful. The food was amazing, it reminded me of an Idahoan version of Ludvig's Bistro in Sitka.

I got the portabello mushroom sandwich (with sauteed onions and bell peppers, swiss cheese, crisp tomato, basil and a yummy sauce). The sandwich was awesome, but the house salad that came with it was even better - spinach, some bleu cheese and fresh cranberries with viniagrette. Oh man. Steven got a hamburger with onion rings, barbecue sauce and tons of cheese with fries as his side. And he licked his fingers afterwards, which means he really loved it.

The food was great, but the company was better. We were really needing a night out, just the two of us and it was so romantic and fun to just be together.

Thanks, Bree!

"To Blave"

2012-01-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

Er --- Crave. To Crave.

When I was pregnant with Gage, I was always hungry. Always. And I had a really hard time saying no to my cravings -- a random food would pop into my head (asparagus, candy, cupcakes, mayonnaise...) and I'd give in. Which is why I ended up gaining a lot of extra weight with him.

But listen, I am totally an advocate of healthy pregnancies. To quote every pregnancy book I've ever read, "Pregnancy is not the time to lose weight" and if you are purposely losing weight while pregnant (and it's not doctor's orders), then you are a total idiot and very selfish. Sorry, but true. Babies need nourishment.

Anyway, point is that there is obviously a healthy medium between constantly gorging and gaining over 80 pounds and dieting to the point that your baby isn't getting the nutrients that he/she needs and you aren't getting the nutrients that you need.

Which is why I needed to develop a system (I will never, ever be the woman who isn't eating enough while pregnant. Ever). No, my system keeps me from acting like a ravenous 14-year-old boy who just ran a marathon.

I give in to one craving a week.

Last week, oatmeal cookies.

Before that, Thai food. Mmmm.

For New Years, homemade sushi (don't worry - no raw fish).

And the week before that, an enormous, juicy hamburger. If you know me, you know how weird this is. I am not a hamburger person.

So far the system has worked out most excellently.

Still, every now and then that wild beast of hunger comes out if I wait too long to snack and then I just start eating everything in sight - do you ever do that? It's actually kind of fun. Especially when you have brownies on the counter. Yep, I devoured an entire pan AND a boiled egg AND three pieces of bread AND a huge glass of milk AND an orange AND then I laid in my bed in reverie until Gage woke up from his nap. Definitely not going to make a habit out of this (crazy how much the pregnant body needs regular nourishment). But it's a totally punch-drunk feeling that is hilarious and fun.

Pregnant or not, what do you crave?

"Dear old world,"

2012-01-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

she murmured, "I am glad to be alive in you."

- L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

It's a....

2012-01-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

Girl!

Seeing her little body shifting around, her little ankles clasped so delicately (and modestly - it took almost a half hour of poking to get her to expose enough for us to see the gender), and her little fingers that she kept sucking on was just amazing. She has little ballerina legs and at this point, to be honest, kind of looks like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as she doesn't have much fat on her yet and her face is still developing. But I can tell she's going to be pretty.

Gage had a little bit of an anxiety attack, "It's a scary skeleton! It's coming to get us!" But we were able to calm him down after a while and now he's just excited for a baby "thi-thter".

And Steven... heavens. I'm afraid I might be in competition with this little princess for his affections. He's already totally enamored and I can't wait to see how tender he'll be with our girl.

So for those of you that guessed, "Girl", you were right on the money!

Yay-yay-victory-dance-yippee-wahoo! We are so excited!

At 20 Weeks,

2012-01-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

I'm growing! And carrying really high. And loving every single second of it. Oh, Braxton Hicks, I love you! Little baby kicks, you make me laugh! (Steven has officially felt two kicks!) Madame Exhaustion - the naps you bring me are heavenly. Everything associated with pregnancy - including the less comfortable aspects - are part of an amazing miracle that I am so grateful for.

At 20 weeks, Steven is getting ready for school. He only has two semesters. Woo hoo! He'll be done in July. Isn't he the handsomest student you've ever seen?

At 20 weeks, Gage is about ready to put pitocin in my cereal because he is so dang ready for this baby to come. As is evidenced below, we are loving on him a little too much for his liking and he's ready for a bouncing baby sibling to take some of the affection and attention off of him.

At 20 weeks, we are just so excited. We find out the gender of the baby on Thursday! I honestly have no idea and no preference. Steven thinks it's a girl, and Gage is very political on the matter - bouncing back and forth with his answers depending on the day.

If you decide to comment, let me know what you think the gender is! I'd love to tally up the results before we find out!

'...To hold on to these moments as they pass'

2011-12-31T18:38:00.000-08:00

Do you know the song that's from? 'A Long December' by Counting Crows. Every year, without fail, I sing this song ad nauseum from the day after Christmas to at least New Years Day. It's like my brain's favorite (and only) New Year's tradition. Listen to it and maybe it will get stuck in your head, too:

So, aside from that, our day has been anything but typical. Usually we're with my family or Steven's family on New Years, but this year we're all aloney. We had a super fun day, though. We just finished dinner (homemade sushi and orange chicken), then dessert (copycat Applebee's blondies) and now Gage is in his big boy bed, trying to fall asleep and Steven's in the shower.

And I'm laying in my Christmas PJs on the couch, singing that song and thinking about all the exciting things to come.

Tonight we "clinked" glasses of sparkling cider with Gage after saying something that we are excited for in 2012. I said "I'm excited for the new baby", Steven said "I'm excited to finally graduate", and Gage said, "I'm excited for a new baby".

And while I was kissing him goodnight, I was thinking about how Gage gets excited about like two hundred things a day. "Mommy, I'm so uh-cited 'bout ___", all day, every day.

I want to be like that. (Resolution #1).

Happy New Year!

merry and bright

2011-12-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

i feel a little inadequate around Christmastime because i always, without fail, forget to do some sort of Christmas card. i have every intention of making a cute little vintage-looking postcard with a simple message and a whole lot of coolness. much like everyone else's. but i never do!(don't worry, this feeling of inadequacy lasts like five minutes. but still).

but one thing i totally rock at is making Christmas treats for people in the area that we can deliver them to. this year it was chocolate and white chocolate bark.

we used stuff we had around the house to mix in - craisins, marshmallows, crushed up candy canes, chocolate shavings, pretzels and sprinkles. (almonds or pistachios.. or both would be delicious too)
this is the best part. gage is a master at putting the mix-ins on without sticking them in to deep. he's an artist.

voila.

easy, cute packaging and so tasty, too. my favorite is the dark chocolate with craisins. i think gage just likes the idea of chocolate bark. when he realized it had hardened and the marshmallows weren't going anywhere, he was over it. steven loves the candy cane on white chocolate.

tonight we're going to go deliver them and i'm so excited! i wish we were caroling, too, but no. we've tried it before, and it's just awkward when it's the two of us singing and gage screaming out random words like, "ROBOT POOP!" and "BOOM-BOOM YOUR FACE!"

so if you see the non-caroling family, with an unusually vocal toddler and lots of treats, stop and say hello!

at eighteen weeks:

2011-12-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

we are super busy getting ready for Christmas.

here is my baby bump:

here is gage giving me a big ol' squeeze:

and here's our little family having a relaxing sunday:

as gage enjoys his favorite pastime.

i am a little sad because i feel like i have been so busy this year, i haven't really Christmas-ized our life... i.e., it doesn't feel like Christmas. during sunday school i made a mental list of all the things i'm going to do this week to fix that.

- Christmas treats EVERY NIGHT. goodbye, health! (at least for the next week and a half or so). i'm thinking sugar cookies, candy-cane brownies, and lots of those minty Christmas m&ms.

- more (or mort, as gage pronounces it) decorations!

- Christmas music constantly. yes, pandora. i'm still listening.

- reading the Christmas story with gage every night before bed (no, not 'polar express')

- ding-dong-ditching with awesome cookies at least one night before we leave for home.

more ideas are totally appreciated!

a rose by any other name...

2011-12-16T11:31:00.001-08:00

my best friend sent me a package for my birthday. it was glorious.

an enormous bag of gummy candy (which i luuurrrrve) and adorable hand-made headbands,

and some cute stickers for gage, which kept him entertained until bed time. he is smiling in this picture. promise.

my bestie is the person that introduced me to cream cheese wontons, angus, thongs & full frontal snogging, unfrosted cupcakes and she even got me to like mcdonalds.

thanks again, rosarita! i miss you terribly!

twas the month of december,

2011-12-15T14:24:00.000-08:00

and from the first day,

we've been decked out for Christmas,

in all the best ways.

our stockings are hung,

not three but four,

cause this little family's

expecting one more!

our baby is coming

in the middle of may,

and i'm jiggling like jelly

with one on the way!

gage is excited,

a little confused,

daddy's eyes are alighted,

he's just so amused.

i can't wait to hold

another little child,

it feels like we've waited so long,

this short while.

we're grateful for prayers,

for mercy and grace,

for candy canes,

reindeer,

and gage's cute face.

thanks for the comments

and all of the love,

for phone calls and letters,

we can't get enough!

okay, i'll stop composing now and just say it straight up:

we are expecting a baby! we are eternally grateful for every kind thought and prayer said in our behalf. thank you for your support - those we know by name and face, and those we only know over the internet.

to my dear friends who are struggling with infertility/miscarriage, please know that it's our hope and prayer that you will not have to endure long.

we are so happy. we've known since august and it's been an incredibly healthy pregnancy so far. we'll be finding out what the sex is on january 5th!

thanks again for all of the support and love!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BROOKE!

2011-12-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

this is steve, brookes hubby. i am hacking brookes blog today to let everyone know that today brooke is 23!

dang she is hot

i have only had 3 of those years with her, but they have been the most defining years of my life.

brooke has the unique ability to make everyone she is around feel good about who they are, how they look, or what they are saying.

whenever we go out she will be found giving a stranger a compliment.

brooke is an amazing mother.

for her birthday this morning the only she wanted this morning was for me to bring gage in bed an snuggle her for as long as possible.

brooke is a dedicated daughter.

the only she wants more than spending time with her family is spending time with our family.

brooke is a closet halo (for those of you who are not familiar it is a video game) enthusiast.

she is the hottest sniper every!

brooke is the wife i do not deserve.

every action of everyday is done to either serve me or my son.

these are a small portion of the things that make brooke brooke.

we love you.

steve & gage

all is bright

2011-12-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

since i grew up where winters were oppressively dark, it didn't take long to figure out that light has a huge affect on how i feel. i do love cold, dark winter days, but light inside of my home is an absolute necessity for me.

which is why i'm also extremely picky about what kind of light it is - down to the lightbulb wattage. i don't know why i'm so affected by lighting, i just am. so i go with it. i love small amounts of piercingly bright lights and then lots and lots of warmness.

so it took me a while to piece together the lighting in our bedroom, but with a lot of ikea and a little ingenuity, i was able to come up with the perfect combination of bright and warm (for under 20 dollars).

i flirted with the idea of a curtain for that window behind the bed, but the natural light (especially when it's white-snow-light) makes the room even more bright and happy, so i'm leaving it uncovered for now.

{night time}

what do you use for lighting in your bedroom? are you a lamp kind of a gal/fella? tall lamps or desk lamps? lantern lights? Christmas lights? are you a vampire, and prefer total darkness? tell me about it.

this is what i love about my steven:

2011-12-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

he's a real man. not a lumber-jack-type with a long beard and that has a bird's nest in it... but a man in character.

photo taken by mrs. r

i remember when we first met and the garbage in my apartment was overflowing and he, in the midst of our conversation, walked over and cleaned it up and when we left, took it to the dumpster. at first i thought it was a clever way to catch my attention, but after 3.2 years, guess what? it's who he is. he volunteers. he carries things and lends tools and gives rides and changes tires. he never leaves a project unfinished. if i tell him i am planning on hanging something on the wall when i find a nail to do it, i'll come back into the room, and it's hung perfectly. without so much as a level or studfinder. jealous yet?

you should be.

because, he is also a family man. he loves being a dad. he loves it when i leave and he is the sole parent because the two of them just totally rock out. he loves making creative (sometimes strange) meals for our toddler, he lives for those mornings when we all wake up at the same time and pull gage into bed with us.

he doesn't do things so that other people will praise him, which is amazing in a world where it sometimes seems like everyone, to the point of deception, is trying so hard to make everyone else think that they are better or richer or skinnier than they actually are. it doesn't even enter his mind to care what people think. i love that.

like captain wentworth in 'persuasion',

"i must learn to brook being happier than i deserve"

cause my one and only is a good, good man.

Christmas-themed gage-isms

2011-12-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

1. "santa is going bing me two pezents and yots of pies" (no idea where he got the pie idea from)

2. "wayn-dee-ows is yike goggies wif ticks (sticks) on yeow headies"

3. "si-went night, ho-wee night, seeepy seep, seepy seep (sleepy sleep, sleepy sleep)"

4. "i'm not a ginch!" (grinch)

5. "no, mommy! sing it yike yis! (in a very solemn voice): faw-steeee ya no maaaaan!"

i love the holidays.

'Skipping Christmas'

2011-12-01T17:25:00.001-08:00

have you seen "Christmas with the Cranks"? it came out a couple years ago, based on the book by john grisham (the book's called 'Skipping Christmas'). i saw the movie long before i read the book, but the past week i've brought a paper back copy to the gym with me and holy toledo, it is so funny. the only thing i didn't love about it was that the main character is a little racist. but other than that, it is fantastic.

perfect for getting you in the mood for the holidays.

and there's a reference in it to caramel cream pie, which i plan on making soon. and eating all by myself.

sweet november

2011-11-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

ah, i love this month.

steven's birthday was great, though i managed to make the ugliest cake ever created by human hands (it was pretty tasty, though). we had his favorite foods for each meal (french toast, buffalo wings, then creamy pasta with steak for dinner), played some borrowed halo (thanks, bree!), took gage to the movies for the first time and spent way the heck too much on popcorn and treats (18.75 to be exact. if i'd smuggled in what we'd bought there, i would have spent like 4 bucks. grr), and just had an overall relaxing, celebratory day.

thanksgiving was also fantastic. i love my family. we joined them for a few days and it was delicious and festive and then we had a second dinner with steven's siblings in utah.

so basically, november is just so sweet. lots of love and blankets and warm socks and family. i love it.

i'm grateful for lots of things this year, but i'd have to say that my number one is my two dudes. i love them to death. not to be a total nerd and quote the twilight books AND not to be super conceited, but this is the best way to describe how my boys treat me:

"And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother."

i'm so lucky. both steven and gage protect me, love me, squeeze me, heal me, forgive me, boss me around and scold me when i'm a brat. and i'm grateful for everything they do for me.

our cheeks are nice and rosy, and comfy-cozy are we

2011-11-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

every year, it really starts to feel like Christmas when we start shopping for steven's birthday presents.

and good news, we started shopping today, so wahoo! it's officially Christmastime!

a day in the life of a 2-day-old.

2011-11-15T13:56:00.000-08:00

my immune system is horrible, which makes NO SENSE because i eat lots and lots of fruits and vegetables every day, i drink water by the gallon, no soda, greasy or processed foods. i wash my hands regularly, i don't sniff sick people, and i try to exercise. so really, body. why do you have the immune system of a sickly gerbil?

no matter, it's who i am, and aside from that, my terrible immune system gave me an awesome day yesterday.

my doctor gave me some medicine for my cough (which is so bad, that i burst a dang blood vessel under my eye from hacking). gross. i took it (the medicine) and like an hour later the room started shifting around weird and my legs were like jelly.

"so this is what dying is like," i said out loud. yeah, i was that out of it. it was just such a pleasant feeling. sleepy and slippery and jelloid.

then i saw the bottle of medicine and with wobbly vision read "may cause drowsiness".

that snapped me back into reality for at least five minutes. i had a million things to do and was already running out of time and drowsy?! how was i going to accomplish i mean cacomplish uh cacomplish liz lemon? what? and then this scene from 30 rock started playing in my head:

and then everything was hilarious. which i tried to explain to steven, who half-carried me, laughing my guts out, to bed. where i stayed until 8:30 this morning.

i slept all day and night long. like a baby. and i'm not talking 1-9 month old baby. i'm talking 2-day-old baby. you know, when they actually do sleep.

picture this:

with long hair, a tad bit of deep-sleep-drool and bushy, unkempt eyebrows, and that's me!

i highly recommend a day of sleep to everyone out there. and if you need some extra help, develop strep throat, don't go to your doctor for a few months, then develop a sinus infection and a serious chest cough and then go in. he'll give you some serious stuff and you too will experience what i call, 'a day in the life of a 2-day old'.

things that i learned from my experiences with miscarriage, part 2

2011-11-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

my little sister, azure

thanks for all of the support on yesterday's post! your comments were enlightening. i really appreciate them!

one of the sweetest lessons i've learned over the past year or so is that we never have to be alone - even if we think we want to be.

the day that it was confirmed that i was going to miscarry, i was very angry and sad and shaken up. i didn't want to be around anyone - not my husband (which was easy, considering he was in ukraine), my mom, my SIL who very much understood this type of pain, i even remember praying, "please, just leave me alone. i want to be completely alone right now. send all the angels away."

i was that desperate to be alone.

i laid in bed for a long time, and then i heard my little sister's voice in the hallway. instantly, i craved her company. we spent the afternoon together. first we went to sonic and split a reese's sonic blast. i remember feeling surprised and grateful that her 13-year-old tales about school and boys and mean girls actually lightened my heart and lifted me out of my hole of self-pity. after an hour or so, she came with me to walgreen's to fill my miso prescription.

"will that make you get better?" she asked.

"sort of."

"will it hurt?"

"i don't think so, but maybe."

"i'm sorry this is happening to you."

and then in walgreen's, in the candy aisle, my heart opened up and i realized that i'd just passed number 2 in kubler-ross's stages of grief - anger. it was a real blessing to only have experienced a couple hours of anger, because even those fews hours of anger really hurt my heart.

azure, in all of her 13-year-old wisdom, said exactly what i needed to hear.

the lesson: when we can't think of anyone in the entire world that we'd want to be with during a time of suffering, our loving Heavenly Father puts someone in our path that fits exactly what we need and want at that moment (even though we may not think we need/want anyone)

it's funny, because my sister sierra is the most nurturing person i know. normally i would have thought that out of my two sisters, i'd pick her to spend that terrible afternoon with, but my soul needed azure. my silly, talkative, kelly-kapoor-ish sister to lift my heart.

we never, ever have to be alone. keep your heart open just a teeny-weeny bit during those hard moments, and someone who can help to heal you will squeeze in.

things that i learned from my experiences with miscarriage

2011-11-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

for months i've been jotting down thoughts, mentally. like in the shower or right before i fall asleep. thoughts about the many lessons that i have learned over the past six or so months that i learned because of or about miscarriage.

i debated sharing such personal thoughts over the internet, and so i've edited the list in my head to things that i do want to share with you, hoping that if there's someone out there going through something similar to what i went through, this might help them in some way.

the first lesson i want to share with you is this:

right after everything happened with my last miscarriage, there were some people who tried to offer love by telling me about people they knew who had gone through "the same thing" that i'd gone through and they'd been "just fine"... well, here:

person: you know, my friend ___ had a miscarriage, really similar to yours. she didn't seem to have any of the same feelings as you, though. man, she really just jumped right back into things and she wasn't all sensitive about it.

me: oh.

my brain: i really wish i was stronger than i am, but i'm not. this is hard for me. i'm doing my best. the very, very best that i can. and maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but it's how i feel. please respect that.

disclaimer: i know that people who do this are usually trying to offer up these experiences at inspiration to those who are mourning- that if someone else can get through it with a smile on their face, you can too. good intentions.

lesson:

i resolved almost immediately that for the rest of my life, if something happened to someone and to them it was awful, i would let it be awful to me too. meaning that i would never downplay someone else's pain because i'd already endured it and knew it wasn't really that big a deal, or because it seemed trivial compared to child starvation or global warming...

the point is this: i'll never make anyone else defend their grief to me - whether it's an end-of-the-world-ugly-hair-cut or a job loss or cancer... grief is grief, and i'll always try to "mourn with those that mourn" - whether i understand it or not.

date night

2011-11-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

going on real dates is something we've always struggled with. we just love hanging out! ideally, we'd spend every "date" night snuggled up on the couch, reading and eating or walking along a cold, pebbly beach, or playing spit on our living room rug.

and then we go on a date, a real date, and i remember that i actually like dates. i always think that a date will be exhausting after a long week, but i'm so wrong! dates aren't exhausting, they're rejuvenating!

a couple weeks ago my mom and sisters watched gage and steven and i went to the cheesecake factory and just about ate ourselves into serious illness, then we walked around the shops for a while. nothing fancy, but so fun! i always forget how much fun we have when it's just the two of us, dressed up a little, full of delicious food.

aside from dinner and movies, what kinds of dates do you go on with your significant other? do you have a set day of the week that you've designated as 'date night' or do you try to be spontaneous about it? what works for you?

best thrifts of the week:

2011-11-04T16:31:00.003-07:00

this salt and pepper shaker set was 75 cents. i love them! i bought the butter dish from anthropologie a couple years ago; don't the shakers look like they belong with the butter dish?! it's destiny!

vintage saucers in aqua, mint green, mustard and ivory.

this awesome mustard vase that i adore.

what have you thrifted recently?

if necessity is the mother of invention,

2011-11-03T19:07:00.001-07:00

then i've found your mommy, creamy plum crumble.

tonight i wanted pumpkin pie... no. let's rewind to the beginning of the week. i was grocery shopping and decided to get the ingredients for pumpkin pie. "oh," i thought, when i saw the graham cracker ready-made crusts, "how delicious a crumbly graham cracker crust would be with pumpkin pie instead of the usual tasteless blah that is the usual crust of a pumpkin pie." so, like an idiot, i stocked up on graham cracker crusts.

when i got home to make the pie, i realized that i'm an idiot. pumpkin pie has to bake in the crust and so the crust has to be unbaked, see? so here's the other part of the story - i'm a penny pincher, kind of like ebenezer scrooge, except that i love Christmas. and since the graham cracker crusts come in pie tins, i decided that i would have to use at least one crust and then reuse the tin because we don't have any pie tins and i didn't want to go buy one since i had a million graham cracker crusts in the pantry. you following me?

so tonight i was just craving pumpkin pie but i knew i had to make something so that i could use the crust.

first i thought i'd make peanut butter chocolate pie, but then that just didn't sound very good. then i thought i'd make apple pie. no apples. so then i decided to use the plums that my mom got me (thanks, mama!) and make a plum crumble TM. (just kidding. i'm sure al gore has already trademarked 'plum crumble')

here's how i did it:

cube 6 or so plums

place them in a sauce pan on medium heat with a chunk of butter (or margarine) and a couple large spoonfuls of sugar.

stir until plums are only sweet and not bitter.

place plum/sugar/butter mixture into a graham cracker pie tin, and stir it all together - crust included.

add whipped cream.

gage and i sharing our treat

it was so tasty! gage and i loved it. steven's not much of a plum fan, but he is a pumpkin pie fan, and he will be one happy man tomorrow when i finally make it! (and i'm just going to stick with making my own crusts from now on. i learned my lesson the hard way).

welp,

2011-11-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

we moved back to idaho to be apartment managers and for steven to take his last two semesters of classes before he is a college grad.

i love it. we've been moving all over for so long that it feels good to be settled in, with a one-year commitment. i believe what i'm feeling is akin to how the nomads of ancient days felt when one day they realized that they could farm and stay in one place for more than a few months. like, whew. that's awesome. why didn't we do this before? potatoes never tasted so good!

so here we are, in the land of ice and potatoes.

gage is loving being bundled up after an eternal (wonderful) nevada/arizona summer, as you can see. a little acclimatic change is always good for the soul. not so much for the skin, but for that we have lotion. life is good.

eggnog creme brulee

2011-10-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

there's just something about nutmeg. you know what i mean? i hadn't pinpointed it as the flavor in so many holiday desserts that made them irresistible until last year in ukraine when our branch president and his wife made homemade eggnog.

side story - i loved eggnog until i was a junior in high school. i'd just come home from volleyball practice and for some reason there was a carton of it in the fridge. without really thinking, i grabbed it and started drinking straight out of the carton then began to choke on something fuzzy and spherical. i coughed up a blue fuzzy ball of something so disgusting that i didn't even consider drinking eggnog until...

we were in ukraine and i was seriously homesick and the smell of vanilla and nutmeg flicked me in the nose and said, 'bet you miss me now'.

so.

today i was thinking about nutmeg and decided to make eggnog creme brulee. i looked at recipes online and they were ridiculously complicated, so i made my own from bits and pieces of random recipes around the web. feel free to use it!

7 egg yolks (i'm saving the whites for angel food cake)

3 1/4 cups of milk (i think it would be tasty with cream, but i was using what we had)

3/4 cups of white sugar

a hearty splash of vanilla

about a teaspoon of freshly grated nutmeg. please use freshly grated. please. it's so much more delicious.

a couple shakes of cinnamon

stir all the ingredients together then stick them in ramekins. put the ramekins in a cake pan and fill up the cake pan with water - about halfway. bake at 325 for about an hour, or until the custard is fairly set, then take it out and let it cool before you pick up each ramekin to put in the fridge. the longer they sit, the better the consistency will be.

do you realize that it is autumn? my favorite time of the year? 'TIS THE SEASON TO ABUSE YOUR BODY LALALALALLALALALALA with LOTS of delicious food full of faaaat, LALALALALALALALLALA, don't stop eating, fall is fleeting! tralalalLALALALLALALAAAAA,

anyway. happy fall, good friends. let me know if you try the recipe and how it turns out for you.

happy birthday, trevor!

2011-10-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

yep. this is me and my brother. we were part of a calendar called 'kids of guam' and some weirdo thought it would be awesome to have siblings pose as an engaged couple. creep.

today is my big brother's birthday! he's the best. ever since we were little and it was just me and him before the other siblings were born, he's always been the mastermind behind our adventures. he's a total 'yellow' personality which corresponds perfectly with a 'blue' personality (or so i'm told) and i'm definitely a blue, so we're the dream team!

my favorite thing about my brother is this: two or three times a year, we get into this mood (and i'm pretty sure it only happens when we are with eachother, i don't think i've experienced this with anyone else... hope he hasn't either, or this will be depressing), and everything is hilarious. and not just, "hahaha" hilarious. i'm talking a physical phenomenon. temples pulsating, eyes streaming tears, throats hoarse, stomachs clenched, bellowing laughter.

and afterwards when the laughter has died down (i'm talking hours later) and it's late, and all of our siblings, our parents and kids and spouses are passed out around us, that feeling of contentedness - almost like you're floating, that makes everything even more hilarious and it starts all over again!

happy birthday, trevor! love you so much!

dear blog,

2011-10-17T09:07:00.001-07:00

let me start off by saying that i'm so sorry. i know you probably think you can never trust me again - i've broken promise after promise after promise to spend more time with you. the truth is, you're always in the back of my mind. a nagging - no, sorry, wait! didn't mean nagging, necessarily... you're a priority. that's right, a priority. sometimes i just forget about you a little - not that you're forgettable, please don't get the wrong idea.

maybe we should get counseling? i've heard it works from a few friends of mine. no? you're giving up on me? come on! look, i'm sorry! life's been busy!

moving to arizona

swimming constantly

general conference

frequent trips to the park

snuggling

figuring out (for sure) what we're doing for the next year (and are super excited about it)

and a plethora of other things that at this point, frankly, i don't feel like sharing with you if you aren't going to be more forgiving. maybe in a few weeks i'll divulge a little more, but this relationship is all take take take. you take my time and memory on my computer and all i do is give! give give give! i'm tired, blog! can't you see that?! sheesh!

don't leave! wait!

okay, i'm sorry. fine. it's my fault. i guess my guilty conscience is just giving me cognitive dissonance... i'm in the box, figuratively. sorry.

let's take a little breather.

okay. back. blog, i won't make any promises. you won't accept them and i don't know if i can keep them. but i will say this - life is about to get a lot more steady starting two weeks from now and i will make you even more of a priority than you already are.

but don't take my word for it. let me prove to you how serious i am about this relationship.

love, brooke.

"it is easy to overlook among larger and more vibrant flowers"

2011-09-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

i loved elder uchtdorf's talk last night. i grew up surrounded by forget-me-nots; they're the alaska state flower and they literally grow everywhere. i would bring bouquets of forget-me-nots, fireweed, dandelions and spruce tips to my mom in the summer til my fingers were raw from dandelion juice.

i love knowing that i am known and loved and valued and completely understood by Heavenly Father and that He knows my true character, even if sometimes people around me don't quite see it because i fail to represent who i really am. i love that even among the "larger and more vibrant flowers", he sees my potential and gives me challenges and praise and pain to make me become more of the woman that i'm capable of being.

is you... you brave?

2011-09-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

in answer to your question, gage, yes. i'm very brave.

do you ever feel like you've been living on a merry go round and then all of a sudden it straightens out and you're riding on a race course? like in 'mary poppins'? that's how i feel.

in the morning we make our move to arizona (we'll only be there for a couple of months). i am sad. sad sad sad.

this has been a period of rest for us... the seventh day of the redfern family you could call it. and now it's over. life starts. i don't have a huge support system two feet away from me. (granted, they're only four hours and 17 minutes without traffic, but still). i do have my wonderful husband and son who are the most supportive, but i have to say it's been heaven to have my mom and dad and siblings who are innately supportive and nurturing.

i miss them already. but i'm brave.

happy birthday, darling gage!

2011-09-08T10:50:00.001-07:00

photo taken by lindsey redfern

today is your second birthday! you are so big!

photo taken by sierra chapman

you love cuppy cakes and cakie pies and shick shakes and fweh-fwies and sa-wad and pie-do man. you don't like wearing a di-po, but you 'wiw NOT' go on the big boy potty yet. you have lots of fwends and when you say your prayers you always say you're thankful for your fam-wy. you see scary maw-nos everywhere and boom-boom them before they eat us. you give kisses and butterfly kisses and noonie-nuzzles and snuggles out liberally. you like to build and you like to knock down, you like to pretend and you love to read to mommy. right now, your favorite thing to do is color. when you want to color you say, "let me coloring", and then you ask for your pen and some pay-poh.

it's been a big year for us, but especially for you, as a one-year-old. but you faced each challenge with a cheer and hope and you've pulled mommy and daddy through when we couldn't quite make it on our own.

you are my best friend in the world. i tell you everything and i'm pretty sure you tell me everything. you're the first thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep. you remind me of who i really am, and you are so gracious to be my little boy.

i love you so, so much.

happy birthday!

p.s. i made a little video for gage, similar to the one i did last year, but blogger won't let me post it for some reason. if you'd like a peek, become my fb friend and it's posted on my wall: brooke chapman redfern.

to be with great-grandpa every day

2011-09-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

would be heaven. we miss grandpa call!

what do you call a woman with one leg? eileen. what do you call an asian woman with one leg?

2011-09-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

irene.

hurricane irene! we just happened to book our visit to the east coast right in time to experience DC's earthquake and the storm. and i really couldn't be happier! i've grown up in storms - typhoons and earthquakes in guam and regular rainstorms in alaska. i love them. i love power outages, i love candlelight, i love the bond you feel with the people around you when the wind really starts howling, i love the cold gusts that fly through the open windows and cool hot little foreheads, all snuggled up in their cribs. i loved everything about this week.

thank heavens none of our family (or kin, as they would say) were harmed, and all of their houses are in good shape, though i was pretty shocked when we left our little sanctuary after the storm to find trees blown every which-way. fortunately, virginia is full of helpful, service-oriented people who are helping each other through this.

i love this state. if home is where the heart is, then i have a little home here on the coast. i love the moist air and the trees and the hospitality and the friends and family. i'm always sad to leave.

oh, virginia. why can't you just pick yourself up and come out west?

so long, sweet summer

2011-08-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.

- "age six racer" dashboard confessional

gage's cousin came to spend the day with us and we went to the local water park. they had a blast in their little life jackets and then they relaxed with milk shakes and pb&j.

i'll miss this summer!

super easy DIY fabric rosette curtains:

2011-08-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

the tutorial.

so my little sister needed curtains for her room and i thought we'd try something different than the usual two paneled, tie-to-the-side curtains. she wanted something really simple but classy.

this is what we did:

step 1. we measured the length and height of her window, bought some pretty cream muslin and sewed one panel that fit her window, with an extra two inches below the window and an extra 1/2 inch on each side. (so get enough material for two lengthsxwidths of the window and sew three of the sides together, turn it inside out so the seams are hidden on the inside and then iron it so that the sides are smooshed together)

step 2. if you want to use a curtain rod, when you're sewing the curtain, sew a loop at the top so that you can easily slide it onto a curtain rod, then proceed as normal. because we wanted ours to be attached directly to the blind rod at the top of the window, we hot glued it on. this is probably only a good option if you're planning on staying where you live a while or you are particularly gifted at scraping off hot glue when you decide to move.

step 3. make the fabric roses. i (basically) followed this video tutorial by lindsay from living with lindsay and made five roses, all different sizes.

step 4. use hot glue or fabric glue to attach the flowers onto the already hanging curtain in whatever pattern you choose. these pictures were taken at night, sorry about the poor lighting.

the last step is to tie the panel together in the middle. you can use some pretty ribbon, but i braided some white fabric scraps and used that to tie it.

and that's it! cute, huh? and i seriously cannot believe how easy it is to make the fabric roses! i'm going to put them on EVERYTHING now! i'm seriously contemplating gluing one to my hair.

p.s. have a fantastic weekend!

"ahoy, and other nautical expressions"

2011-08-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

we hosted a surprise birthday party for my little sister, azure, last night. in going with her name, we tried to use the color blue as much as possible without being tacky. here are some pictures, enjoy!

blueberry lemonade

guests took off their shoes and partied in their socks and bare feet on the blankets we set out in the backyard

we used an old trellis and a staple gun to create

'the evolution of azure' ;)

little notepads were clothes-pinned onto a line with a sign inviting everyone to leave a little letter for azure with fun memories and birthday wishes

it was a success! by the end of the night, there were about 35 middle and high schoolers playing 'honey if you love me' and dancing to 'party in the usa'. it looked amazing after sunset with yards and yards of white christmas lights and blue rope lights lighting up the yard, and of course those gorgeous lantern lights that i found at target for 5 bucks a pop.

happy birthday, az!

gage, you are all boy.

2011-08-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

you call cake 'cakie-pie' (i don't know what this has to do with gender... i just think it's cute)
you think everything is either blue or green
you turn anything and everything into a gun and then yell 'boom! boom! fall off!'
your favorite band is the temper trap
you do somersaults and 'flips' and never cry when you get hurt attempting new feats of gymnastic genius
you take care of your mommy when daddy is away for work

happy thursday!

while the berries are ripest,

2011-08-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

the soundtrack.

when you feel it - brett dennen

strawberry swing - coldplay

every day is a holiday with you - ethero

morning lullabies - ingrid michaelson

this is my favorite part of summer; when everything is so ripe and juicy and for some reason the whole world has an orange glow.

what have you been listening to?

three years

2011-08-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

it's been since we got married. steven and i, i mean. i was just going to type "i feel like it was yesterday", but that would be a total lie. it doesn't feel like it's been centuries either. i don't really feel a sense of time when it comes to our together-ness. that was one of the reasons i thought he was the one back at the very beginning of our courtship. it already felt pretty eternal.

i'm learning a lot. about progression, mostly. that we can change so much in so many good ways in three years makes the future even brighter.

the events of this year of marriage have given us a depth we didn't have before, they've aged us. can you see it in our eyes? but i like it this way.

so happy anniversary to us.

i love my boy and i know he loves me.

list 2

2011-08-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

{cupcakes made completely from scratch without the assistance of a mixer while we were living in ukraine. praise me.)

current fads that i like, current fads that i dislike. this sounds very superficial, but i want it recorded for my future posterity to know that i didn't buy in to the ridiculous stuff. i would have really loved a list like this from my parents. maybe if they'd given a little more thought to the ridiculousness of some of the "in" styles of the time, my dad wouldn't have worn bootie shorts on their honeymoon. maybe.

like:

-cupcakes

-jeggings

-side braids/all braids

-nautical stripes

-neutral make-up

-long skirts/dresses

-the diy mentality that many women seem to have now

-the nerd look. nerd glasses, grandpa sweaters. love and live it. i've been waiting for this to be 'in' for a long time.

dislike:

-this silly 'hold up a fake mustache for a photo' phase everyone seems to love (no offense to any family/friends that love their fake mustaches. i don't get it, but i still love you).

-animal prints

-glee (i realize i may have lost the respect of some of you out there. i like the idea of glee, but i think that in trying to push boundaries to make kids feel like who they are is okay, they're making kids feel like they need to have even more drama and complications in their lives to be normal teenagers. get what i mean? i also think it's often vulgar.)

-expensive prints that they say things like 'keep calm and carry on'. cool message, fairly cool graphic, but way overpriced and overdone.

-phrases like "just sayin", "i'm not gonna lie", etc.

kind of makes you wonder what's next... i mean, people used to, in all seriousness, say things like "groovy" and "mondo" (mondo was a favorite of my brother's in the early 90's). in ten years m.c. hammer pants could be popular again. or baldness. baldness could be considered very attractive. that freaks me out but i know of a few people that would be very happy if that was the case.

oops! giveaway winners!

2011-08-02T17:12:00.001-07:00

i totally forgot to announce our three giveaway winners!!!

laynah rose, impossible k and kendall! email me your mailing info, ladies.

so far our vacation has been amazing. our family reunion was just perfect. we're in california preparing for steven's little brother's wedding and enjoying the sun :) thanks for the well-wishes, and congratulations again to the giveaway winners!

list 1

2011-08-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

(we're outta town for the next week and a half or so and so i decided to pre-write a few lists and schedule them to post throughout the time we're gone. lists. i love them.)

so, blogging.

someone asked me the other day what i like and what i don't like about it. i was like, "uh."

eloquent.

so if said person happens to read this, here is my answer (after a week or so of thought)

like:

- i don't feel guilty about being a terrible journal-keeper when i update the blog regularly with family photos and recent happenings

- i get good ideas for homemaking and decorating and so forth from others' blogs

- i like getting comments. who doesn't?

- i like being able to get my thoughts out there, uninterrupted

don't like:

- feeling guilty when i haven't posted in a while

- feeling guilty that i've put too much time into the blogging world and not enough in other things

- the tendency to compare myself to women like naomi davis and joanna goddard and the unstoppable 'thunk' of self-esteem when they post pictures that show their iddy-biddy waistlines. this article explains it pretty well (though i disagree with the comment on stay-at-home moms doing nothing all day).

- when people ONLY comment on my more controversial posts to say why they disagree. i'm cool with regular commenters commenting an opposing view, but it bugs me when people only comment to say "you're wrong." it's like... why not also comment on a cute picture of my baby and say "cute". it takes two seconds.

et vous? why do you blog? why does it bug you sometimes?

we leave in an hour for our a-little-over-a-week-vacation,

2011-07-28T17:25:00.003-07:00

ta-ta.

giveaway!

2011-07-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

photo by lindsey r.

until gage was almost a year old, he didn't sleep through the night. at best, he'd wake up once during the night at about 4 am and cry until he was rocked back to sleep. needless to say, i was tired all the time.

blame it on our method if you want to (we decided against letting him cry himself to sleep... won't discredit that method, it probably works, it's just not for our family) or on our crazy schedule (i was finishing up my last semester of school and interning as a legal assistant while steven was in school and working two part-time jobs) or just on the fact that some babies have trouble staying asleep through the night - bottom line is, when baby don't sleep, nobody sleeps.

which is why i'm excited about this one.

if you are a mommy, want to be a mommy, have friends that are mommies, or are related to a mommy, then this is the giveaway for you.

and, super good news, we will have three winners!

three readers will receive a MusicBabies CD with a cassette (in case you live under a rock) and a booklet that explains how it works. basically, this product "turns sleepless nights into peaceful nights"... awesome?

and the thing is, they'd be great baby shower gifts if you don't have any little ones at the moment.

a winner will be randomly chosen in one week (that's next monday if you have trouble with that kind of a thing). all you have to do is leave a comment with your email address. if you decide to follow s + b, leave an additional comment letting me know that you're a follower.

bueno suerte!

chocolate-chocolate chip (not so) bundt cake, monsters and owies.

2011-07-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

about a month ago, i had a heavenly slice of a bundt version of this very cake from 'nothing bundt cakes'. it was so delicious.

so yesterday i decided to make it (it costs over 30 bucks if you buy it from nothing bundt). it was so easy and it tasted just like it. we don't have a bundt pan, so i made it a two layer and put a really thin layer of icing in the middle (the icing is really strong).

here's the recipe i used.

and on the gage front: last night around midnight we heard him screaming, so we brought him into bed with us. he was sweaty/hot/cold (his fever was breaking). after he stopped crying, i asked him, "why are you so sad?" and he said (i quote word-for-word) "i ha' a ba' dweem a monstows a owies". translation: i had a bad dream about monsters and owies. isn't that heartbreakingly cute?

i'm not afraid of bribery.

2011-07-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

which is why gage has consumed a lot of sugar today. the poor little dude is still sick and nothing is making him happy (except chocolate...yep, he's mine).

on other news, my ten days of no heating products on my hair have ended. i would have liked to report that i will never again use heating products, but... no. i do think i'll stop blowdrying and straightening it so often, though.

it feels so healthy after just ten days of no heat. like... new hair. i love it.

alrighty, wish me luck. i've got an angry baby with claws (his nails grow freakishly fast and he refuses to let me near them today).

xoxo

the calm before the storm

2011-07-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

this is our last week before all of our travels begin. don't get me wrong - i'm super excited for all the fun places we're going (camping in the wooded pastures of south eastern idaho for my favorite family reunion ever, my brother-in-law's wedding in northern california, a mini vacation to southern california after the wedding, and then virginia to help steven's parents pack up and move to a new house)...

we've just had this awesome, chill summer. full of spontaneous visits to the park and early morning tennis.

we still have a few days of calm, though, and boy are we going to take advantage of them.

are you going anywhere fun this summer?

poor little guy is having a bad monday

2011-07-19T14:13:00.001-07:00

he's sick or teething or both. a little feverish, runny nose, super tired. he was sick like two weeks ago and i thought he'd beat it, but i guess it came back for a little visit.

this sounds kind of wrong, but i love it when he's feeling yucky because he's just so snuggly and warm.

when we were little, my mom would make us 'sickie beds' on the couch and give us juice and let us watch movies or cartoons (captain planet!). gage chose 101 dalmations and requested his best pal, little mouse, and some pretzels.

giveaway winner: who could it be?

2011-07-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

jeanette from everton terrace!

i hope these cards help promote your new etsy shop, jeanette!

so it's friday. anyone else exhausted? but good exhausted. we're going to see the new harry potter movie tonight. i'm stuffing my pockets with tissues because i've grown up with harry (we're the same age) and i just know that if the whole freaking book made me bawl like a baby, the movie will too. i guess i'll just have to cast my patronus charm to get rid of the 'end of series blues'

expecto patronum!

you haven't come this far to fall off the earth.

2011-07-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

do you know the song those lyrics are from? it's swim by jack's mannequin.

a family that we love is going through a terrible tragedy right now. this song has been on my mind for days. aside from the obvious things like prayer and love from my family, the lyrics to this song helped get me through some of the tougher things that have happened so far this year:

"i swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun" (this was the mantra i repeated in my head ad nauseum for days when steven was still in ukraine right after the last miscarriage)

"just find the horizon, i promise you it's not as far as you think"

"just keep your head above"

"i found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn" (ever felt this way?)

"there's no shame in drifting, feel the tide lifting, just wait for the spark"

"i'm not giving in; i swim"

so i guess what i'm saying is that if you know somebody who is struggling you might recommend this song to them. the lead singer of j.m. battled with cancer. he gets it.

{gage and i a few days after the miscarriage}

i try to keep the blog positive and light, and i hope this post is regarded that way - being happy isn't hiding or ignoring the sad things that happen to us.

it's allowing ourselves to grieve and then allowing the good things to fill the holes in your heart. as my sister-in-law told me, there will always be a little scar, but happiness can still be found.

what do you swim for?

redfern roller derby

2011-07-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

last night we went with my parents and little brother to the local roller skating rink.

the last time i roller skated was my first semester of college and i spent more time pretending to fall so my cute friend would catch me ;) but this time it was a different story. steven, who is the master of everything gave me some good tips and after a few minutes of practice, i was (sort of) holding my own.

gage attempted to skate (i thkate, mommy, peez! peez i thkate!) but struggled enough that his sweet grandma bought him some blue cotton candy and he had the time of his life watching the skaters go by and admiring the toys in the... vending machines? is that the word for the machines that dispense toys if you can grab them with the claw?

it was super fun and when they started playing firework at high volumes, we rocked out in a calorie-burning fashoin that only true rockers understand.

bottom line: awesome night.

our mouths were very, very blue.

and here is my hair (remember that i'm not using any heat products - blow dryer, curling iron, straightener - for ten days). i pulled it back in a loose bun while it was still drying and after applying a grotesque amount of super skinny. the elastic headband helped tame the volume and i think i may adopt this hairstyle as my new go-to.

happy wednesday!

oh and if you haven't entered to win the giveaway, please do. just comment on monday's post (the one right before this one).

giveaway!

2011-07-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

first off, do you like my make-over? the blog was in serious need of a new look that was more symbolic of our little family and my awesome little bro, bryan, totally rocked my world with this new design. i love you, boo bear!

secondly, uprinting.com is offering one of our readers a 250 piece set of personalized standard or die-cut business cards! when they first contacted me, i thought, 'seriously? business cards? bo-ring.' why not head bands? or food?

but then i went to their website and saw what they actually look like and decided that you guys might just love to win some. here are the business cards and the die-cut business card templates. they can be used for business purposes (obviously) but also for hoping-to-adopt pass along cards and basic contact cards.

all you have to do to win is leave a comment with your email address. (no, you don't have to become a follower or write a six-page essay on why i'm your favorite blogger...) however, if you do decide to follow s + b, let me know and you'll get an additional entry. i'll choose the winner randomly on friday (friday, gotta get down on friday).

let other people know about this, if you don't mind. i don't want to be the loser blogger who only has one entry... (no offense, mom).

{disclaimer - i was not compensated in any way for this post}

"i can do hard things"

2011-07-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

LDS Temple in Washington D.C.

it felt like Christmas

2011-07-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

the little dude all snuggled up.

new red shoes from h&m (for 12.95!)

and a cozy dinner of lemon chicken while the rain was pouring outside.

my heels look like they've been attacked by a cheese grater.

2011-07-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

it's raining again today. this morning when i pulled gage out of his crib after his name i said, "hey buddy, how are you doing?" and he said, "good day." and i said, "you've had a good day?" and he said, "yeah, mommy. had a good day."

he'd been awake for like two hours before his nap. what a stud. every day is a good day. ah, love.

on a more serious note, i need some help. i use pumice stones and scrubs and moisturizer and my heels are still cracked and every few days they start bleeding. it's not like the worst thing in the world or anything, but it's pretty annoying. anyone have some good tips for me? i'll try just about anything.

and this is day three. a high (unwashed) pony. don't judge (not the high pony part, the unwashed part), i'm planning on playing tennis with steven tonight. i'm just trying to go green.

xoxo

a sundown wedding

2011-07-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

steven's cousin samantha got married yesterday, and yay for us, it was in las vegas! so we just hopped in the car and drove twenty minutes to join in the festivities.

she looked gorgeous and happy and this is the song that was in my head the whole day (and isn't this a cute video?

oh, and this is the hair. it was a little more wavy than usual, so i just stuck it half up with a few bobby pins. i'm surprised at how ruly (opposite of unruly) it's been the past few days. maybe it read my last blog post and it's trying to impress you. silly hair.

so i cut my sister's hair a (lot) a bit shorter than she wanted it.

2011-07-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

i'm on a hair revolution.

reason a. i need to redeem myself (sorry again, sierra)

reason b. i need to take my own advice

reason c. i want to see what life is like with an extra twenty-five minutes each day

she cried. sierra, i mean. my little sis. it's just too big, she said, too wavy and not a sleek a-line like victoria beckham. i gave her this pep talk about how she needs to just embrace the fact that she has a lot of wavy hair. it's thick like a mane and beautiful chestnut brown.

i said "your hair will never be straight and thin unless you do all sorts of stupid stuff to it. just embrace it. play up the bigness of it."

and then i thought about it and i'm a total hypocrite. i've been straightening my hair every day since i bought my first flat iron in high school. every day except for when we were in costa rica last year and a few times when i was a brand new mommy. but otherwise, i've spent more time with my straightener than my computer. gage calls my blowdryer "mommy's gun". that's pretty accurate. it's my weapon against the fly-away, full of air, voluminous and thick yet slippery hair of mine. and i'm putting it away!

send me links if you want to join, i'd love to see some other crazy hair out there.

somewhere only we know

2011-07-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

so yesterday was one of the only rainy days we've had all summer and i loved it. i am totally a rain person. i love clouds and fog and drizzle and rainstorms. it probably has to do with the fact that i grew up in one of the rainiest places in the world.

you might be thinking "but what about outside activities? you can't do those in the rain!" and i say to you, wrong. hiking, boating, swimming, and everything else we love to do outside is better in the rain because it keeps you cool and makes everything so much prettier - the trees are greener, berries are brighter and covered in little dew drops, flowers are bolder and look alive... yep, i win this one.

anyway, we spent the day on a long bike ride, which was lovely and drizzly, and then we played games and made treats and then, oh this is a big deal, and then we found this PERFECT old, creepy house that i want so so bad. it was built in the 60's. it has a huge tim burton-esque tree in the front yard and a pool that looks like a lake in the back. it has five bedrooms and a kitchen that has all black cupboards and appliances. i want it like i've never wanted any item before (if you can call a home an item).

steven, on the other hand, is in love with this contemporary, enormous three bedroom with your typical nevadan pool in the back yard and brown/tan tile. it's a beautiful house, but it's just lacking in character. so obviously he should just listen to me, right? send him a text and let him know that. just kidding.

i see his point - my house probably has all kinds of plumbing and electric problems and the wiccan that used to live there may have cast some unruly spells which left a few dents here and there in the walls and ceiling, whilst his was built in 2007 and looks like the lawyer/doctor/owner of 37 fast food chains and his wife took immaculate care of it and never let their prodigy child use finger paints or eat pb&j.

all i'm saying, is this is a tough decision. any advice would be appreciated.

i've imagined for the past couple years that when we found the house it would be like henry and clare from the time traveler's wife finding theirs - "this is it", or something to that effect.

but i do know that when we buy it, i'll be blasting this song as high as my little speakers can go in celebration:

"there is not a liberal America and a conservative America,

2011-07-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

there is the United States of America" - President Obama

happy fourth!

i love sundays

2011-07-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

gage is fast asleep, i just put a cake in the oven and ate about half of the frosting from the mixing bowl. everyone will be home soon, then we'll eat lunch and play games until the "soft light of evening" (as it's described in gage's favorite winnie the pooh book - talk about imagery in a children's book. love it.)

until then, i am going to curl up and read the sad story of my girl, jane eyre, for the umpteenth time.

i hope your sunday is as peaceful as mine. and here's something to ponder from my friend laynah's newest blog post:

you don't have a soul. you are a soul. you have a body. - c.s. lewis

"they all seemed to be waiting for something"

2011-07-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

from all the pretty horses by cormac mccarthy

sandstorm leaving southeast idaho last year.

i've been meaning to write about this for a while; my newly adopted policy of 'how to live life without stress'. it all came to me in a moment of extreme stress when i realized that:

a. most (not all, but most) of the things i stress about are completely out of my control, i.e. unsuccessful pregnancies, child starvation, the age gap between my kids, student loan debt interest, foreclosure rates and foreign wars...

b. bad things are going to happen. they just are. tires will burst, dumb people will somehow weasel their stupid opinions into your life, blah. i can't control what other people will do, but i can control how much i allow myself to be around said dumb people. i.e., if someone that adds stress to your life is inevitably around, focus on other people that you actually like and don't subject yourself to that person.

c. i have been pulling stressful things into my life, for my whole life.

i will explain. in high school, there was this girl that really hated me. i still don't know why and magically after i had this moment of realization a few weeks ago, i don't even care anymore why she hated me. in fact, i'm glad she hated me, considering her character. and i prefer her hatred to her petty sucking up. anyway, because she hated me so much i decided to start giving her these little gifts anonymously in an effort to... to... i don't even know what. repair the years of (possible) abuse that made her so awful in the first place? not gonna happen from a few kit-kat bars and a bracelet!

anyway, she found out it was me somehow and decided to make life even worse than before. i was pulling stress toward me.

this is one example, but there are oh-so-many more. making decisions prematurely, setting unrealistic goals, volunteering for things i don't have time for. see?

so here is what i've done.

i only choose to involve myself with people that i feel make a positive influence in my life. i don't walk around saying "talk to the hand," to people who are negative, i'm still polite, jeez. but i'm trying to create this... i guess "emotional community". so it's not like a physical thing, it's an emotional thing. an emotional realm of people that i like. there's this lady that my mom knows who is super nice and super uplifting. she and i have almost nothing in common. i don't particularly want to hang out with her and swap snuggies... but i do like her, she makes me smile and she doesn't gossip. lady, here is your ticket into my emotional community. meaning, she is invited to be in my life. i will have meaningful conversations with her if the chance arises. meanwhile, there's this super annoying lady who is constantly trying to tell me all of the juicy gossip of the neighborhood while she complains on and on about how frustrating it is that she can't stay un-pregnant. bye bye. peace. i will still smile at you and say hello and offer help if you need it. i'll open doors for you and if you needed it, i would clean your house and make a meal. but no, you are not invited to my emotional community.

i don't volunteer or say yes when i shouldn't... when i don't have time or energy. i do what i can the very best i can and hope that's enough.

i exercise and breathe and sleep like a champ.

i avoid even thinking about people that irk me. i've had quite the therapy in deleting facebook friends and for those who i can't delete without causing offense, i hide from my little newsfeed thingy. it works like a charm.

do you get it?

the effort that i was putting into befriending/maintaining/obligatory visiting/all that other stuff is now being directed toward much more cathartic activities. like spending more time playing with gage.

i've wondered.. is this selfish? sometimes i think yes, but then i pause and remember my new creed. which is....

i can and should be happy every moment of every day.

some people are addicted to drama, like, their eyes light up when they realize that a fight is about to happen or someone wants their weasley opinion about someone else. i think i used to be this way, but i am not any more. thank heavens. i don't want to talk about other people. i don't want to know the bad things they do or the gossip-worthy scandals they're involved in. i don't want to hear about more sadness. now, obviously, if someone has a problem, they can come to me and talk to me. especially if their problem is with me. but if you're a third-party, i don't want to hear about it. even if i'm involved.

when steven and i were just barely married, we didn't worry about things. we spent money like we were billionaires and watched 'lost' til 3 AM even when we had 6 AM meetings. we went on vacation too often and slept in every now and then. we laughed constantly and turned off our phones when we were together. we lived. every day was full of excitement and passion for living. it was wonderful. then we became "responsible" and stress just piled up all around us.

i know the more financially responsible people who read this blog are probably cringing and all i have to say is, well i won't say it because it's rude and my grandmother reads this sometimes (love you, grandmother ;)... not to say we're not going to save money. in fact, for all you little weasels out there who want to know, we're doing very well financially.

but that's not the point! hello?! the point is that life is passing us by so so so fast. it can be over like THAT and then it's done. and everything we did on earth is forgotten by us, by everyone, except for the cool stuff. like being a really good mommy, or living abroad, or the hilarious practical jokes that we played on each other, or the talents we cultivated... not the money, not the things, not the friends in high places... do you see?

so, to all of my faithful readers who never comment, and to the sweetie-pies who do, let's live, okay? i'm tired of sadness, i'm over it. i'm happy. i don't take sleeping pills anymore. big indicator that life is good over here. i love it. i love breathing, i love sleeping, i love walking, i love writing, i love talking and learning. especially learning about other people and places.

so if you are one of those people in my emotional community, or you'd like to be (it is a really nice gated community with a clean community pool and free milk shakes), then talk to me about things of substance. tell me about what you think about life and what you've read recently and how you feel about things.

i'm not waiting anymore, i'm not worrying anymore.

i'm happy, wholly, completely, sans-stress, happy! and it's awesome!

i've been thinking about simple pleasures

2011-06-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

roses are red,

2011-06-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

violets are blue.

or at least, they should be. but not here. because it is so dang hot!

even though steven's skin is about scorched off and poor gage is only allowed to go outside for a few minutes at a time (due to the 100+ degrees it's been the past few days), we love summer!

oh and this week, my sister-in-law, mrs. r, is publishing a series of posts on the topic of pregnancy loss. i was fortunate to be on her list of interviewees, and you'll see my answers to some tough questions over on the R house, if you're interested.

don't you wish your baby was

2011-06-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

amazing like mine?

my baby is perfect. i'm not bragging, he really is.

a few minutes ago i realized how late it was and that he still hadn't had an afternoon nap. wait, let me preface this with some history. gage has always been a napper. he is also a very scheduled child... i promise. it's not me. it's him. when he was around 9 months old, he put himself into a routine of a 10 AM nap, and a 2PM nap. the day that i realized that he fell asleep at those times ever day, whether at the store or at the park, i felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. so of course i started working with the schedule instead of against it and everything was rosy.

then we moved to ukraine and i decided to move him to one nap a day. bad decision. i, the idiot, of course, didn't realize that his (uncommon but out of character) screaming, hitting, and whining were due to his lack of naps. i just thought it was the water.

lo and behold, we move back to the US and i realize after 2 months that maybe the kiddo wants to sleep more.

so, back to my original point, a few minutes ago i was putting him down for his afternoon nap. i rocked him for a minute in the dark room then sang a little bit of I am a Child of God at his request (chi-wud, peez). then i laid him in his crib and he started to cry, (howd gage, mama). so i rocked him more and sang more, then halfway through a verse, he stops me (top it, peez. night night).

then i lay him down again and he whispers, "yuh you, mama"

i'm telling you, he is perfect! PERFECT!

outfitted

2011-06-20T17:34:00.001-07:00

my little brother graduated last week. i can't believe it. he'll always be six years old to me.

his commencement was in the morning and we spent the afternoon eating filipino food (his favorite) and playing games.

here's the boy:

here's the food:

and the outfits:

s: american eagle outfitters long-sleeved thermal

express producer pant

merona shoes

b: american eagle outfitters slouch top

j. crew pencil skirt

thrifted shoes

the r house couture necklace (thanks linds)

g: gap kids slouch hat

merona vest

carter's onesie

gifted shorts

an awesome, saddish day. i just can't believe my little boo-bear-baby-boy is grown up! the first time i saw him was in the adoption agency in guam. i was four, he was five-months old and i loved him right away. congratulations, bry!

father's day

2011-06-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

gage is the luckiest boy in the world, cause he has the best daddy in the world.

steven, you'll be a daddy again soon. promise.

and to my daddy, i love you!

happy father's day!

i wish i was this cool.

2011-06-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

literally. it's hot outside... over 100 degrees.

we're spending this weekend picnicking on mt. charleston and playing card games in air conditioning. i can't wait for it to begin.

how 'bout you?

in honor of finally getting my macbook fixed...

2011-06-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

have a happy, nerdy weekend!

we had a crazy, psycho, busy and stressful day today, but we are planning on having a relaxing sunday with lots of cake. how 'bout you?

beginning of summer:

2011-06-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

the soundtrack.

{laundry drying in monteverde, costa rica}

make you feel my love - adele

la mar - dispatch

dear john - taylor swift

it's all love - ingrid michaelson

such great heights - postal service

no reward

2011-06-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

{image via google}

someone emailed me this bike flyer a couple years ago and i come across it every now and then in my inbox. it always makes me laugh, i really want to meet the dude whose bike got stolen, he sounds like a cutie-pie.

{hilton head, south carolina august 2010}

{catalina island, april 2011}

i just don't think there's anything quite as peaceful as a leisurely bike ride on fairly flat terrain. especially when your husband is carrying your purse.

carousel

2011-06-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

we spent last saturday in the sun, we had a little picnic and then we took gage on this adorable carousel (at the district in green valley for all you nevadans). it was so fun! he was so serious - i think he thought the animals were real,

"hey mom and dad, talk quietly and stop smiling so much! i've watched the discovery channel enough to know that wild animals are a serious affair!"

he loved the frog, the bear, and the tiger.

steven has some signature redfern funny-eyes going on,

but in all reality, do i not have the cutest boys in the world?

so this weekend, i think we're going to go to the free movie on the green. last week they played ET, this week i think it's one of the newer disney movies. gage will love it.

what about you? any plans?

want to be bella swan?

2011-06-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

{image via google search}

i mean, really?

the twilight movies are very realistic in terms of clothing, and this is how i know: i grew up in the pacific northwest (sitka, alaska) and let me tell you, the way that the high school kids dress is very accurate for my high school. i grew up wearing lOTS of browns, greys, greens, navys, various shades of black on black, peacoats, hoodies, clogs and cowl-necks ... that's just the style of a cold, grey, rainy temperate rainforest. so to my point, if you would like to dress in the pacific northwest fashion (except a little more dressy), then you will love these links.

Inside Bella's Closet

A collection of Bella's basics

TwiCrackAddict... freaky?

edward and his 'siblings' are of course the exception in standards of dress, but isn't it pretty obvious where he shops? i'm pretty sure all of his tops are either from the gap, banana republic, or REI. pants... again, i'd guess the gap. then of course there's that pac-sun-esque leather cuff that he's always wearing. not that i notice that kind of a thing.

anyway, this all came about because i was trying to find a light blue thermal for steven and i figured edward had probably worn one at some point since he pretty much only wears tight-fitting long sleeved shirts. so i googled. and it got me thinking.... if i could embody the style of any celebrity, who the heck would it be?

it's a toss up between zooey deschanel, emma from glee and emma watson.

probably emma watson.

who would you choose?

to whom it may concern (or not concern if you're one of those people i barely know who stalks my blog),

2011-05-31T19:15:00.000-07:00

it seems like every post for the past year has started with an apology for not blogging more. sorry again. i really planned on writing more.

lots of changes have occurred in the S. Redfern establishment. namely, we have moved back to the states. i had another miscarriage recently, actually the day after my last blog post, i was about fourteen weeks along. because of medical reasons, we'll be staying in the US for an undetermined amount of time. i considered blogging about the miscarriage because i know that writing about things like that can be healing, but for me personally, i'd rather not. so, thank you all in advance for your sympathy and kind words, and please know that i'm doing very well and would be more than happy to talk about this with anyone going through something similar. perhaps i will share some of the lessons i've learned during this time in a future post, we'll see.

other happier news includes gage's potty training regimen. he's so close! i planned on waiting for at least another year, but he's so ready, if you know what i mean. and i can't wait to see my cute little guy in spider man underwear.

steven and i went on a cruise in april. it was so awesome. gage started talking in sentences (short ones, but sentences none-the-less), and i've almost finished my first novel! hoo-raw.

my brother-in-law, chris, got engaged to a super cute mini zooey deschanel who we're all in love with. woo hoo, chris!

my sister-in-law whitney and her husband brandon are expecting twins, congratulations to you two as well.

in terms of future plans, we don't have 'em. steven is doing summer sales for the fantastic moo-lah and for the fact that there is no long term commitment. we miss ukraine and really hope to be able to go back soon, but are moving on with life for the time being until circumstances permit our return.

sorry i'm using such formal language. i just read 'little women' again and i'm stuck in post-civil war english.

ANYWAYS,

here are some cute links you might like:

one of my blogger idols, charlie, has devoted her past few posts to shoes. shoes shoes shoes. read them here.

a super classy barberry and lace giveaway on "E's" blog. enter here and then share with me if you win.

and finally, an interesting article that i read this morning about a this high school's new day length (that is awkward phrasing.)

more soon.

i try not to do this very often,

2011-03-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

however. this blog is a journal for my family, and i think i just had a very profound thought. it must be recorded.

gage fell asleep, i went outside and laid in the sun, and in that half-asleep heat coma,

i boarded the train of old memories.

"hello," one said, "would you care to join me for a little stroll around your first semester of college?"

"i would indeed," i replied, "after you."

i remembered lots of pasta, watching an entire season of 'gilmore girls' in a weekend, and lots of early morning french classes. i also remembered the very first real confronation i ever experienced (outside of sibling fights).

britney, let's call her, since every other girl at school was named britney, was one of my four roommates and she had a real problem with me. close to the end of the semester, i finally broke down in pitiful little sniffles and asked her

"what did i ever do to you?"

"you never did anything... it's just who you are. it's you."

she further explained that whenever i was around her, i made her feel uncool.

that my existence caused her to feel like she wasn't as popular as she wanted to be, and because of how i made her feel, i made her act differently around guys, which caused her to have a lower self-esteem because she felt herself acting differently around them.

that's some heavy psychology for a 17-year-old like me to handle - especially because i'd never heard "brooke" and "cool" in the same sentence before.

now. here is my profound thought. i don't remember how i replied - i remember that there were tears, a slammed door, and i spent the rest of the semester at my best friend, rose's apartment a few building's down.

my memory tour guide asked me what i feel i should have said.

"well," i replied, "i would have said - 'eleanor roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. it stands to reason that 'inferior' can be replaced by any other adjective... such as 'uncool' or 'unpopular'. i am who i am, don't try to make me dim my light so you can shine. don't blame me for your insecurities..."

i was really, really getting into it with mentally swinging hips and snapping fingers when this little voice piped in,

"do you really think you should have said that?"

and then, here is the real moment of profundity:

if someone is insecure enought to blame another person for how they feel and then how they react to that feeling, all they need is love. just an outpouring of love.

"no," i finally consented, "i should have just said 'i'm so sorry, i think you're wonderful.'" and then i should have walked away.

i recently had an almost identical experience wherein someone told me that who they interpret me to be has caused them to feel a certain way and has thus caused them to act a certain way.

of course at the time i was a blubbering mess and acted very much like the confused, frustrated girl i used to be. i used to have a really sharp tongue, i still often do. but luckily my inner repitition of 'don't retaliate, don't retaliate' worked, and the words of angry lava and accusations stayed at bay... maybe that's why i had the stomach flu last week.

ANYWAY, why oh why didn't i just realize at the time that anyone who is willing to call into question another person's character because it makes them act a certain way only needs my love - not my anger, my judgement, my inteligent responses that will make them see the light... (i know, i know.)

now of course i believe that there are poisonous relationships that require distance and some really good, mostly impersonal interaction before they can heal completely.

and perhaps this is one of those relationships. which is fine.

"goodbye," i called from the train as buddy the dog decided to deliver a half-chewed barbie head onto my cheek.

i always thought my 'aha' moment would be when i finally snapped and stopped letting people talk to me unkindly, stopped letting people take advantage of me, stopped letting people act as if they deserve some say in my life when they really don't... but no. this aha moment was pretty humbling.

the world doesn't really need me to be a champion of rights.

it just needs me to love.

home at last

2011-03-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

this isn't a recent picture... it's from almost a year ago, but i found it on my parents' computer and thought it was adorable.

gage and i are back in the US for a quick visit. it's been a week so far, and we are in heaven. my mom's been pampering us and my brother and sisters have kept both of us entertained with movies, games and hilarious stories of all the things i've missed since we've been in ukraine.

steven's still over there, work was just too busy for him to take off.

we miss him like crazy!

today we went to cafe rio; it was amazing. i got a chicken salad AND a chicken taco. so good! i forgot how much i loved it.

the sun has been shining and we've spent time bikeriding, going to the park, shopping and going on walks. i love my family so much! i really am a home body. i just love being home so much. if steven were here, life would be perfect.

a new friend

2011-03-05T09:34:00.001-08:00

disclaimer: our camera is dead and we can't find the charger anywhere. so no pictures :(

today gage and i went to the playground across the street from our apartment. there was a little boy playing with some sticks and snowballs and he was very focused on what he was doing. so of course, gage had to get involved. he ran over to the boy and started waving furiously saying "hi, hi, hi you! hi you!"

the boy looked up and smiled at us so big and the conversation went as follows:

him (in russian): something something... i ... something something...

me (in russian): i'm so sorry, but i don't speak russian

him (in russian): then what do you speak? ukrainian? polish? german?

me (in russian): we speak english, only english.

him (in russian): english! i speak a little english!

him (in english): abc, 123, do re mi!

me: brava!

him (in english, singing): good morning, good morning, good morning to you! hello, goodbye.

me: (cheering like the proudest soccer mom): brava, comrade! brava!

at this point, he is laughing his head off because i used two words that only really old people use here: brava and comrade.

me (in russian): what's your name?

him (in russian): something something artjom.

me (in russian): it's nice to meet you, artjom. my name is brooke, like pants (my name sounds just like the word for pants in russian) and this is gage.

him (in russian): gage. gage. how old is this boy? are you his mama?

me (in a russian english hybrid and lots of hand gestures): yes, i'm his mom. he's almost two. how old are you?

him: something something something question?

me: are you five? (holding up five fingers) six? (holding up six fingers) seven (seven fingers)

him (in russian): yes! yes! seven! no, actually six. i'm six.

he starts laughing like. a. loon. and me and gage join in, throwing our heads back and slapping our knees. we haven't quite developed the brain neuron that processes eastern european humor yet.

he pulls out some candy from his pocket and says a bunch of stuff in russian that i didn't understand.

me (in russian): no, thank you. (assuming he's offering us the candy)

him (in russian): something something chocolate?

me (in russian): yes! yes chocolate!

he starts laughing again, and we part ways with a handshake - he pulled a hankerchief from his pocket and made sure his hand was so clean before he shook mine. adorable. then we promised to play again sometime. i think.

we learn two things from this exchange: number one. my russian vocabulary is pathetic. and number two, there is nothing cuter than a little ukrainian dude, decked out in the traditional child's winter wear which much resembles the boy from 'a christmas story' except for thicker and more inhibiting of the limbs, speaking english.

on another note, right after we headed back to our apartment, i saw a gypsy. she was pushing a baby stroller around, collecting things from the garbage bins. i had five greevs in my pocket that i wish i'd given to her.

hiding out

2011-02-23T06:25:00.000-08:00

between the fridge and the wall - that is gage's little nook. he gets stuck in there more often than you'd think with a stuffed animal, a book and a cookie. it's adorable. he'll just climb in, snuggle into the corner and be content for a really long time for an 18-month old.

when i was little, i used to sit in this tree that kind of scooped up at the trunk, so it was like a little bench. i'd sit there reading for hours, i miss it!

so this week, i decided it's time for me to find a nook of my own... just a quiet place that i can go to read or think or sneak a cookie. our apartment is very compact, as are most apartments in europe, so i don't think it will be here. the cafes and stores i've been to so far don't really fit the bill either, so this week i'm going to venture out into the city to find the perfect book store or library or cafe to be my new nook.

help me out. where is your private place? at home? in town? where do you when you need some peaceful alone time?

of a long winter and hint of spring:

2011-02-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

the soundtrack.

these are some songs i've been listening to quite a bit lately.

1. so far around the bend - the national

2. the dress looks nice on you - sufjan stevens

3. one day - matisyahu

4. hero - regina spektor

5. secrets - one republic

apparently, one republic is coming to kyiv. also, i had ranch dressing last night at a friends' for dinner, and it was so good.

i absolutely love ukraine, but i am definitely missing ranch dressing.

xoxo

messy side ponytail: a tutorial

2011-02-19T06:26:00.000-08:00

i am a big fan of easy, cute hairstyles and joanna goddard and recently read this post, wherein she did the exact thing i'm about to do - tutorialized the adorable side pony that is both classy and simple.

if your hair is fine and straight and lacks bounceability, you should follow the instructions on a cup of jo, however, if your hair is thicker and coarse, like mine, then my instructions which are a little different than joanna's should suffice.

1. the day after you've washed your hair, keep it unwashed, and blow-dry it upside down to give it a little extra fluff.

2. part your hair on the side - to give it even more body, i parted it on the opposite side that i usually part it on - try to make it a really deep side part.

3. take the top quarter of your hair and pin it to the nape of your neck with bobby pins so that it's secure

4. now squeeze all that hair (the upper quarter and the rest of it) into a hair tie, and tighten the hair below the hairtie so that it gives your hair a little more body

5. let the loose little strands around your face go crazy:

the end!

xoxo

snacking

2011-02-18T03:39:00.000-08:00

as i type this, i am deathly ill with a horrible cold, bundled up in bed, listening to gage babble in his crib because he's still not asleep, though i put him down like an hour ago. {no, i'm not a terrible mom. stop judging me. i've gone in to check on him every ten minutes or so}.

it's one of those days. am i being snappy? sorry.

anyway, i realized i hadn't posted for a few days, and i've been saving these pictures for a really epic, amazing post, but blah. fine, i'll just post them and you can see a couple of the staple foods here:

this is pelmeni. they are a lot like japanese gyoza. these ones are filled with chicken. the ukrainians like to just boil them then eat them, but we like to boil them then fry them, as we're trying to perpetuate the american way here and have a heart attack by 45. not. they just taste way better fried. people like to eat them with smatana, which, as i mentioned earlier, is like a mix of greek yoghurt and sour cream. maybe i shouldn't be posting today. can you feel my grouchiness through these words?

this is just adorable. chocolate. we eat way too much of it here, but it's delicious. this country is obsessed with hazelnuts, i am obsessed with hazelnuts.

it's a good relationship.

also, very cute. but no real relevance to anything; he's licking some cupcake batter.

and these are shortbread cookies. i bought an entire kilo, and guess how much it cost? 4 griven, or in other words, fifty cents. mm-hmm. these are the perfect "be quiet" treat when we're out in public (church, metro, etc) and gage is whining. i just pop one of these bad boys into his mouth and he's in heaven.

guys, i'm sorry for my lack of enthusiasm. blogging was on my to-do list today, and so i'm really just doing this for my own sense of self-worth. not because i really care.

this might be the mucus talking.

i hope you still like me.

xoxo

v-day

2011-02-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

this is the most recent picture taken of steven and i,

and this timeless piece of art is the first picture taken of us. january 2008. wowza.

last night we watched the first episode in season to of V and when i typed the title of this blog, i freaked myself out. v-day. freaky.

anyway! happy valentine's day! sadly, i am nowhere near as on the ball as i was last year with decor and all around fanciness, but we did have a nice little celebration with our traditional creamy steak and pasta (thanks again, mrs. r), and some delicious ukrainian chocolate ice cream with homemade caramel sauce.

here's the sad thing - i took pictures but retrieving my camera cord to transfer them to the computer, to then put them on this blog post, would require me to get out of bed. which just isn't going to happen. i'm really full.

what did you do for valentine's day?

more importantly: what did you eat for valentine's day?

gold-plaited spires

2011-02-13T12:47:00.000-08:00

a couple weekends ago we went to the Lavra (monastary of caves) in kyiv. it was founded in 1015!!! it's almost its own city, with a complete underground system that connects each of the many cathedrals. we had the opportunity to actually enter the catacombs which are caves with holes dug out in the sides of the narrow walk-ways, where the bodies of important priests and saints are wrapped in beautiful tapestries and displayed so that people can worship and pray over them.

it's a little scary - dark and crowded, and the ceilings are uncomfortably low. the skeletons made me a little uneasy, but overall it was way more awesome than scary!

i love seeing people worship, i love seeing the emotion that comes over others when they feel love and devotion. we each carried a thin candle that lit up a few inches in front of us to guide us through the winding tunnels.

i only have a few pictures to post, as it is still completely functional for the Eastern Orthodox members, and most areas are too sacred for cameras, but i hope you enjoy the ones i can post!

the lighting in this small cathedral was amazing.

because each cathedral still functions, women are required to have their heads covered at all times.

the Saint Sophia cathedral. so beautiful! the spires are plaited with gold, and since we went on one of the few sunny days in kyiv, they just glistened in the light.

if you ever find yourself in kyiv, promise me right now that you'll come to the Lavra! better yet, promise me right now that you'll come visit me AND bring me a cafe rio chicken salad! hee hee. but seriously, come visit.

our first restaurant experience in ukraine

2011-02-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

a few weeks ago we went to our first ukrainian restaurant and i don't know it's name! but it's all authentic ukrainian food, and so inexpensive. our family spent six bucks and got a huge meal. heaven.

this is the entrance. i love the old world feeling.

conveniently in the open so that you can wash your hands before you eat. my kinda place.

steven and i are fighting for the last piece of potato. the white dumpling things in yellow sauce are a beef-filled dough in butter. there is also a sweet version of that called verniky (not sure how to spell it) but they fill it with smatana (think american sour cream mixed with greek yoghurt) and a sour cherry.

okay, closest up is a salad. here "salad" does not mean lettuce and ranch. it means a combination of vegetables and starches with sauce, in this case, shredded cabbage, corn, ham, a vegetable i have never had before in a sweet and peppery sauce. yum! directly behind that is borsch, a staple food in ukraine. it's red because of the beets... dwight schrute would be proud. to the right of that are potatoes and a breaded piece of chicken with a buttery sauce inside.

and a happy, full-bellied family.

xoxo

kyiv

2011-01-29T12:10:00.000-08:00

hello!

it's been forever, hasn't it?

lots has happened since i last posted, namely, we moved to kyiv, ukraine for steven's work. mmhmm. crazy, huh? but we absolutely love it.

prepare for lots of pictures of gage and his cousins who also live here, a whole lot of food, fashion and historical sites.

lalala, life is swell. enjoy the pics, and come back again soon.

{i got these yellow floral dye-cut tights for nine grivna... that's about a dollar}

{kreshatyk, the city center, at Christmastime}

{Christmas themed jello}

{don't pay attention to that little bald spot... a slip of the razor. look at the awesome outfit. he loves that he dresses like this every day}

{ukrainian chocolate is the best, ever. just ask gage}

xoxo