12 February, 2017

Will Is Three!

Today my Will turns three!

We are spending the day doing all the things he loves. Like having crepes for breakfast, going to three hours of church (ha! that's a joke. I mean, we are going to church, but he definitely hasn't gotten to a place where he loves the first hour - the last two are great though. He calls his classroom "the toy room"), lounging in PJ's and having homemade pizza and cake and ice cream.

Three years ago on this day, I was in a hospital room lying on my left side, hoping that my epidural would balance itself out. When I felt the urge to push, I started crying. Lots of reasons - some pain, some fear, but mostly just this immensity of feeling. I think it was joy. Joy, to me, is not one-dimensional bliss - it is, as Victor Frankl would say - tragic optimism. Accepting and believing in all the sad and difficult and tragic, but loving it all anyway, and embracing the light.

I think I felt true joy in those heavenly moments, when I told Steven to get the nurse, and he helped me push Will out, when the doctor guided my hands to Will's face, and (with my eyes closed- I couldn't open them for some reason) - I felt Will's lips and nose and eyelids with my fingers, before delivering him myself, and pulling him up to my chest.

"He's a boy!" They all cried.

I held that baby so close for hours that day. I couldn't bear the thought of putting him down to get weighed or bathed. I just wanted sweet, wet, warm body as close to mine as possible for as long as possible.

That evening after Gage and Kjel had come and gone, I felt heaven all around me. I glimpsed into what it means to understand the worth of souls. I felt my own worth as a daughter of God. I felt more love than I'd ever felt in my life. There was thick, encapsulating peace in that hospital room. Though the loud nurses in the orange Syracuse shirts kept on checking on me and various parts of my body that had gotten badly bruised during delivery (that is definitely kind of embarrassing), and I couldn't sleep a wink that night (anyone else have this weird post-birth-adrenalin-induced insomnia?), it was a night I never want to forget.

Will came to my womb at one of the hardest times of my life. He was my rock during those difficult months and I talked to him and rubbed that belly of mine until I fell asleep every night throughout the pregnancy. His gentle, quiet entry into the world was a dream come true. He was, and is, my dream come true.

Will, thank you for calling the moon the "moom" and for asking me to sing you songs about "Yion pwide". Thank you for whispering your prayers and clasping your chubby fingers together so sweetly during family prayer. Thank you for putting your arms around me and rubbing my forehead and kissing my owies better. Thank you for dancing and singing with me, and laughing with me.

These three years with you have fulfilled me so deeply. I love you so much.

Happy birthday!

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