08 February, 2017

Melissa, Teach Me How to Love February!

When we first moved to New York, my first friend was the darling Melissa Fisk. We miss the Fisks so much (they moved shortly after we moved in). I have a mental pocketful of little lessons I learned from Melissa. One of them, I think about every winter. 

I'm not sure where we were, but I was lamenting how much I dreaded the month of January. It's right after Christmas, so there's the big end-of-holiday let-down, it's cold and icy, dreary, and dark. 

"Oh no!" Melissa cried. "January is one of the best months! It's so fresh and clean. You take down all the Christmas decorations and can re-organize and start over. I love January!" 

I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling that every month is one of the best months to people like Melissa. And after that conversation, I wanted every month to be my favorite month too. 

So why do I struggle so much with stupid February?

We are leaving for Florida in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. Like, I really can't stop thinking about it. I hate living for the future, but the last few days I've really felt that way. "Brooke, just get through the next two weeks and you will survive!"

I literally belly flopped onto my bed at four this afternoon - Merit was yelling for me in her crib (we went to play group for my other kids today which messed her whole nap schedule up and she ended up skipping naps altogether - if you have a fussy, teething baby then you understand what this means), Will and Kjel were fighting downstairs and Gage was hollering that he needed help with his homework. It was probably a funny sight to whatever angels were around at the time - but I had the pillow over my head and the white noise turned ALL THE WAY UP on my phone, with a timer set for 15 minutes. Please don't think I'm a terrible human being. 

It all felt like too much!

I was saying to myself, "You are in a beautiful, warm home, with your sweet children. You are not in a concentration camp. Stop being ridiculous. Pull yourself together. Go be magical."

Eventually my pep talk turned into a prayer, which was more like begging. "Give me the oomph to finish today strong."

In case you're wondering - I did not finish the day strong. I yelled at Gage for freaking out about piano practice, I slammed a cupboard shut (which actually felt so good), and I straight up said, "Nope, don't want to," when Will asked me to play hide and seek (granted, he had just head-butted me in the face on purpose a moment before... so maybe I'm a teensy bit justified in rejecting him?)

I had titled this post "February Little Things" and was ready to assign cute, fun captions for the darling pictures of my well-behaved children. But no, it turned into this.

I just typed out a whole, big long paragraph detailing some of the weight that's been on my heart lately and then I deleted because it felt stupid to type it out. Words can only go so far! 

But even as I was typing, I kept thinking, "Brooke, you need to just be grateful." I am grateful. I love this life and this beautiful world with so many wonderful people to learn from. Life is good! I say that a lot, but it is. Don't think life is good because I have no problems or fears or worries or pain. I do. And I wish I were a more open book, but it is hard to be vulnerable. 

In spite, or maybe because, of it all - the heaviness and the light - life is so exquisitely beautiful. I am so thankful for every single day. Every ordinary, dreary, drizzly, freezing, car-won't-start, bladder-won't-work, mom-fail, wife-fail, February day is a gift. Thanks for being the place where I write it out and remember that beautiful conclusion. 

Hope you're having a good evening! 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing that. One of the worst things for me is the guilt I feel when I'm beeing ungrateful. As you know, I'm working to allow all emotions in - and it's tough because I've believed for decades that there are negative emotions and I should ban them from my life. So now I'm working to allow those emotions without the associated guilt .... ah sheesh! does it never end?! LOVE YOU sweetie

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