26 January, 2017


Yesterday I was feeling some disconnectedness. Even as I tried so so hard to just soak in my kids and my home and the pretty snow outside, I just couldn't quite feel as deeply as I wanted to. I felt a teeny bit hopeless, like when you are trying to swim to the surface after a deep dive and aren't sure if the surface is one stroke away or twenty, really grueling strokes away.

I don't think I've ever felt REAL depression, but I wonder: maybe I have SAD. Last night when we were talking, and I was saying that I hated feeling so disconnected, he reminded me that I've had bouts of this weird disconnectedness every winter for as long as he's known me, and to just hang on.

Moments of down-ness that are maybe chemical, who knows, give me so much more compassion for friends and family that suffer from real mental illnesses, like depression. How do you do it?! How in the world do you choose to keep working so hard in and out of your homes, connecting and making eye contact with your families and friends, serving, smiling, enjoying life - even when you are fighting a horrid battle that no one really understands? I am so in awe of you!

Especially one very dear friend who is in the throes of a depressive state right now. I really hate that there is almost nothing I can do for her, except send her texts and say prayers for her.

It is really eye-opening to start to understand that the trials that we perceive that other people go through are usually just the tip of the iceberg. Even the most open-booked people have deep sorrows that they don't share.

Makes me want to be extra, extra kind and forgiving and understanding when I may not understand another person.

Funny thing, when I opened the big curtains in our dining room this morning and the sun was just peeking out over the trees, I felt a little ray on my face and immediately felt a little tinkling of delight in my heart. The snow was all melted, the grass was greenish, and life felt doable again.

I'm sorry that it's just a little ray of sun that propels me out of my own little depth of despair, if it isn't such a simple solution for you. Hang in there.

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