20 December, 2016

All About Gage Right Now

Tonight I was lying with Will in his bed trying to get him to be satisfied with one last snuggle. It is so hard to leave him at night when he says in the softest, sweetest voice, "Nuggle me one mo time, pease?" Oh, my heart aches after fifteen minutes of snuggling, when I can hear Merit shrieking for me, and all of my night time responsibilities (plus the fact that the kid needs to go to bed), when I realize that I really do need to get up and leave him to cry for a minute or two. I hate leaving my kids at night when they are sad. Hate it so much.

Anyway, as I was lying there, I was trying to remember Kjel at age 2 almost 3. I have vague memories of that time period, but nothing super concrete. I also wasn't blogging very much then. That makes me so sad.

It is a good solid reminder to me of why this blog exists. I NEED to journal these memories! All the sand-fine details of these beautiful children and their many moods, faces, moments, words, idiosyncrasies, heartaches, phases, all of it.

I need to not worry that my pictures aren't great, that I don't have time to proofread and accept that this blog, like my life, is a rough draft, but that doesn't diminish from my efforts to preserve these memories.

I felt an obligation to post about all the Christmassy stuff going on the week before Christmas here, but tonight I'm going to take my remaining eight minutes and write about each child.

Gage (7 1/2) vacillates between loving life and thinking that his life is the worst, ever, in the whole world. He is an emotional child with so much energy, and never-ending need for conversation. I go to bed almost every night feeling like a failure in that I just can't seem to fill him up enough. I can't fill him up enough. We can play with him all day, and he still feels like he didn't get enough attention. It is draining - not giving him the time and attention - but knowing that he still won't feel like it's enough.

He is one dependable kid, though. Without him, I would struggle so much more with the younger kids! Yesterday I had forgotten to eat all morning and was super shaky and low-blood-sugary. I heard Merit whine over her monitor and said out loud, "Please, please Merit, don't cry. Just let me finish eating before you need me."

Gage jumped right in and said, "Mom, I've got her if she cries. I won't just bring her down to you right away, I'll play with her in her room for a while and make her laugh and stuff, then I'll bring her down after a while so you have time to eat."

THOSE conversations are the ones that make up for the many moments of the day when I truly wonder if any of us will survive the coming days, weeks, and years. Ha.

Gage will eat anything; he will swallow without chewing if he doesn't like the food but wants to finish quickly so he can go do something else. Dangerous. But kind of funny. It is impossible for him to stay seated through dinner. "Chair, Gage," is something we repeat over and over again. He falls off of his chair at least a dozen times a week. Just from leaning on it oddly or getting too animated when telling a story. So funny.

He has worn his Santa hat every single day since I got it out of a Christmas box from the basement in November. He has a little shelf in his room that Steven put  up a few weekends ago. He can choose any three things to put on that shelf and no one but him can touch them, but the rest of his things need to be shared freely. It is working, I think!

He loves stories and gets lost in them. Right now he's loving the story behind the musical Wicked. Steven is telling them an ongoing saga before bed about three kids who travel to different worlds that are themed after holidays. He's running out of holidays, ha. But the kids, especially Gage, love it.

Gage is quick to cry and quick to laugh. He is mature and his body is getting so boyish. It kills me to hug him and feel so much substance! He used to be skin and bone.

We recently taught him how babies are made. It was a little big of a doozy the first time around, but we had another talk with him the next weekend, after reading some parenting books and talking through it more together as a couple. That talk went way better.

I love my Gage. He is a gem. He can play the piano beautifully and dance like nobody's business.

Ah! I'm out of time! Nooooo! It's Kjel that I'm most worried about not capturing enough of. But that will have to wait until tomorrow.

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