Can this enormous gratitude I feel today just span over the last few days I've missed blogging? Steven's birthday was last week and I was reminded again and again of all of the aspects of our life I'm grateful for.
I'm thankful for the challenges we've had. I'm thankful for moments that have defined us individually and as a couple. I'm thankful that I've learned that both of us, truly, will do whatever it takes to be true to one another. I'm thankful for the adversity that has made us strong and the changes of heart that have kept us soft and have taught me more compassion than I ever thought I could have had. I'm thankful for circumstances that have forced me to cleave to Steven or not survive at all.
I'm thankful that our beliefs have guided us through times that probably would have crushed us both.
On a lighter note, I'm thankful for all the living that we've done. I've often had moments of panic when I think about how I'll feel when I'm dead. Will I be so mad at myself for not seeing more of the world? Will I be annoyed that I didn't follow this dream or that dream? I don't know, I hope not. But I am so, so incredibly thankful for a life that has been rich with experiences - good and bad. I'm thankful for times that have compelled me to be humble (though I wasn't at all during those times).
I'm thankful for opposition. I'm thankful that I know what it means to truly be grateful for the food that I can eat and feed my family today. I'm thankful that I know what it means to be able to plan even a day in advance and know that my home will still be my home. I'm thankful that I understand the absolute luxury of a warm home.
Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right choices, if we've been where we should be and our life is on track. I think it is. And I think that I'd take this life - this life that has been full of ups and downs and pain and joy and private sorrows and public shame and intense laughter and deep friendships... I think I'd take it over the easy road. Not to say my life has been terribly hard. I'm not that naive. But my life has been full of opposition in all things and I could not be more grateful for that.
Right now we're in a season of change and hope and work. I hope that in the seasons of pain and disappointment that will come, because they have to, I can remember to be grateful. Life is for experiencing, you know? It's for feeling - even if the feelings hurt. I am loving the joy of being a young mother and the mystery of my twenties and the thrill of settling into life, and I can't wait to see what comes next.