03 August, 2013
When I was a little girl, I lived for the future. Every thought and action and decision was focused on the moment in time when I would have this life I let myself dream about right before falling asleep each night. A family of my own; a marriage that was as rich as chocolate and full of play and kids who adored me and lived healthy, happy lives brimming with imagination and light. Where didn't matter, means didn't factor in. It was the feeling of total peace that lulled me to sleep each night when I'd pull the covers around my chin and watch a day-in-the-life of my imaginary family.
Middle school, I anticipated high school because high school would put me one step closer to college which would take me away from the island I grew up on (because, though I have always loved my kindred spirits and the beauty of that town, I never really felt it was where I was meant to be), and closer to my destiny. I hoped and prayed it was that beautiful family that I still indulged in imagining most nights. And then, you see, I found it. My destiny. Yep. Just call me Desmond and stick me in a hatch ;) (come on, you don't watch Lost?!). Anyway, what I'm trying to say is this: it feels good to be here.
Next week, we are flying back to that island; back to the place where magic doesn't ever seem far because the trees always sparkle with raindrops. And every kindred spirit of mine will be there, ready to talk over hot chocolate and the smell of salty sea. And the trees will be just as green, the water just as grey, and the air just as dense with nutrients that I think only really exist in Sitka.
And I'll be the same silly girl I've always been, except that now I know where I belong and who I am and why I am. I think it will be a really beautiful thing. Me and the island might reconcile our differences and realize that we never really were at odds with each other; that I just had other places to be and a soul mate to find.
I still find myself living in the future sometimes; not nearly to the degree as in my youth. But my mind will wander for a moment and is often called back by, "Mommy! Help me with these legos!" And I jump back to reality and remember that even though there are beautiful, wonderful things on the horizon that are meant to happen for me and for my family, right now is close to perfect.
Right now is what I always imagined.