23 May, 2013
Streams of Mercy
I couldn't put Kjel to bed tonight. After I'd rocked her and nursed her and kissed her little face, I had to give her to Steven because she was so very sleepy but I just couldn't get myself to lower her into the crib.
Every night after we nurse, I hold her upright and she lays her head against my chest. Her arms curl up around my shoulders. Sometimes she'll lean back and look up at me. She waits for me to smile and when I do she laughs and the paci falls out of her mouth and she scrambles to find it and clumsily shove it back in place.
I feel divine when I hold her. I guess that's the only way to explain it. I feel like so much more than a frail human with bills to pay and ants in my kitchen. I feel like my slate is wiped clean - every mistake of the day, every negative thought and unkind word is erase and I'm redeemed.
Maybe it's the perfection of that little being Kjel. Maybe her goodness is just so overwhelming that it spills into me in those moments when there is nothing to distract me from her. Maybe it's that motherhood in its purest, rawest form is sanctifying.
I think part of it is that I can't hold her at night without feeling gratitude so overpowering that it's almost tangible. She is my baby. She is my daughter. How have I been so blessed to have two children that I not only love and adore, but admire? Two children that I will spend the rest of my life trying to emulate because they are - indescribably, innately good.
I am a weeper, we all know this. But there is rarely a night when I don't get at least misty-eyed when I hold her and sway her slowly and evenly around the room, singing a song in my heart and sometimes whispering the lyrics to her, hoping that the poetry of songs about love and worship will, in some way, explain to her the depths of my feelings.
I am a mother. I am a mother.
P.S., Thanks so much for the sweet responses to yesterday's overly emotional post. Each comment made me smile (and let's face it, cry a little ;). Thank you for your support - I love to write and this is the place that I find myself going to again and again to record my thoughts and feelings. When those thoughts are so well-received, it makes my day. Thank you!