So the past couple days I feel like I've been living in fog. It's one thing to lack motivation and put tasks aside to do things that fulfill you. It's another thing all together to be un-motivated and then to do those tasks with no heart in them at all.
That's kind of where I am. I hate it.
When I chose the life of a stay-at-home mom, I decided then and there to really be there. To live this life. I decided to accept that five minutes after I scrub down the kitchen, salsa WILL get thrown across the floor, splashing cabinets like a tsunami of spice. I accepted that everything would take longer to accomplish and that I simply wouldn't have the time to complete projects that require absolute concentration. Okay, got it. Yes, I agree. Give me my kids and my husband and my home and a bar of dark chocolate, I'm ready. Put me in, Coach.
But then there are those days when I don't live up to my own expectations. Case in point, yesterday afternoon I started feeling a little queasy. By four I was puking my guts out and when Steven came home I climbed into bed and stayed there. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better, but weak and spaced out. I was late bringing Gage to joy school and late picking him up. I didn't talk to any of the other moms there in depth because I was just so out of it. I have a fear of people thinking that I think I'm too good for them (please know that I don't) so I felt lousy about that all day.
Then when we got home, Gage started to spill his drink on the white rug, and when I tried to pick it up it spilled even more, and I sent him to time-out. Sheesh.
And then the missionaries from our church called at four-thirty to make sure we were still on for dinner and I'd totally forgotten that they were coming. I made a half-hearted meal that no one wanted seconds of and an even worse dessert and then I yelped so loud from upstairs when KJ bit me while nursing that I'm sure they heard and think I'm a weirdo.
Oh and all but three of our forks magically disappeared to the land of lost socks, I'd assume. But I don't really know, so I guess I shouldn't start rumors.
And now I'm lying here, listening to the whir of the dishwasher with a crock pot soaking in the sink and a heavy heart. Some days I just don't cut it.
And that's what I signed up for.
AND after reading over this post, I want to slap myself and say, "FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!! BROOKE, STOP YOUR WHINING!" Done and done. I am going to spend the rest of tonight working on gratitude. Sometimes I am such a spoiled brat.