10 November, 2011

things that i learned from my experiences with miscarriage, part 2


my little sister, azure

thanks for all of the support on yesterday's post! your comments were enlightening. i really appreciate them!

one of the sweetest lessons i've learned over the past year or so is that we never have to be alone - even if we think we want to be.

the day that it was confirmed that i was going to miscarry, i was very angry and sad and shaken up. i didn't want to be around anyone - not my husband (which was easy, considering he was in ukraine), my mom, my SIL who very much understood this type of pain, i even remember praying, "please, just leave me alone. i want to be completely alone right now. send all the angels away."

i was that desperate to be alone.

i laid in bed for a long time, and then i heard my little sister's voice in the hallway. instantly, i craved her company. we spent the afternoon together. first we went to sonic and split a reese's sonic blast. i remember feeling surprised and grateful that her 13-year-old tales about school and boys and mean girls actually lightened my heart and lifted me out of my hole of self-pity. after an hour or so, she came with me to walgreen's to fill my miso prescription.

"will that make you get better?" she asked.
"sort of."
"will it hurt?"
"i don't think so, but maybe."
"i'm sorry this is happening to you."

and then in walgreen's, in the candy aisle, my heart opened up and i realized that i'd just passed number 2 in kubler-ross's stages of grief - anger. it was a real blessing to only have experienced a couple hours of anger, because even those fews hours of anger really hurt my heart.

azure, in all of her 13-year-old wisdom, said exactly what i needed to hear.

the lesson: when we can't think of anyone in the entire world that we'd want to be with during a time of suffering, our loving Heavenly Father puts someone in our path that fits exactly what we need and want at that moment (even though we may not think we need/want anyone)

it's funny, because my sister sierra is the most nurturing person i know. normally i would have thought that out of my two sisters, i'd pick her to spend that terrible afternoon with, but my soul needed azure. my silly, talkative, kelly-kapoor-ish sister to lift my heart.

we never, ever have to be alone. keep your heart open just a teeny-weeny bit during those hard moments, and someone who can help to heal you will squeeze in.

5 comments:

  1. you're so amazing Brooke. I love you!

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  2. Oh that last paragraph is powerful!

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  3. I love you, Brookie! And I love calling you Brookie. Hope ya don't mind me doing it because I don't want to stop. :) I love your honesty. Thanks for sharing the last two posts. I too want to mourn with those that mourn. Something I am going to work.
    Ps. I don't have any sisters and this post makes me happy that my girls do. Hope they will love each other as much as yall do. xoxoxo

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