for months i've been jotting down thoughts, mentally. like in the shower or right before i fall asleep. thoughts about the many lessons that i have learned over the past six or so months that i learned because of or about miscarriage.
i debated sharing such personal thoughts over the internet, and so i've edited the list in my head to things that i do want to share with you, hoping that if there's someone out there going through something similar to what i went through, this might help them in some way.
the first lesson i want to share with you is this:
right after everything happened with my last miscarriage, there were some people who tried to offer love by telling me about people they knew who had gone through "the same thing" that i'd gone through and they'd been "just fine"... well, here:
person: you know, my friend ___ had a miscarriage, really similar to yours. she didn't seem to have any of the same feelings as you, though. man, she really just jumped right back into things and she wasn't all sensitive about it.
my brain: i really wish i was stronger than i am, but i'm not. this is hard for me. i'm doing my best. the very, very best that i can. and maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but it's how i feel. please respect that.
disclaimer: i know that people who do this are usually trying to offer up these experiences at inspiration to those who are mourning- that if someone else can get through it with a smile on their face, you can too. good intentions.
i resolved almost immediately that for the rest of my life, if something happened to someone and to them it was awful, i would let it be awful to me too. meaning that i would never downplay someone else's pain because i'd already endured it and knew it wasn't really that big a deal, or because it seemed trivial compared to child starvation or global warming...
the point is this: i'll never make anyone else defend their grief to me - whether it's an end-of-the-world-ugly-hair-cut or a job loss or cancer... grief is grief, and i'll always try to "mourn with those that mourn" - whether i understand it or not.