14 May, 2015
It's that sweet, sweet time of the year when I start collecting dandelion bouquets. My kids can't get enough and neither can I.
Yesterday was a cool day, compared especially to the heat wave we just experienced. When Gage got home from school, we put on sweaters and went for a walk around the neighborhood. The younger two rode in the stroller and Gage walked beside me. He stooped down every few feet to get some fuzzy dandelions and blow wishes.
His wishes were:
To be a superhero when he grows up
To be nice all day
For his family to know how much he loves them
For Kjel to live in a castle when she grows up, and for Gage to be the prince in the castle
I started thinking about my wishes, and what comes to mind is a very simple one from my favorite hymn:
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
06 May, 2015
Gage came down this morning and laid next to Steven and said, "Daddy, do you want to keep sleeping?"
"Okay, don't worry. I'll find something to do so you can sleep."
"You know, Dad, maybe you should just give me your phone. I haven't played on your phone for a whole day. Imagine if you had something you really wanted to do and you couldn't do it for a whole day."
(Steven handed Gage the phone - there was only a little battery left so he played for ten minutes).
Later in the morning when we were getting ready, Steven asked Gage if it had all been part of a plan:
Gage said, "Yes. I planned it this morning so you could sleep."
Such a cutie. And for your information, Future Gage, you haven't played on Daddy's phone for at least a week. Not a day. When you start understanding what measurements of time really mean, you will be way the heck too persuasive. Stay five forever, bud.
A few nights ago I was laying in Gage's bed with him; I told him I was proud of him and he asked me why. We were whispering because Kjel was asleep on the bunk below. I started lifting off the reasons and started our goodnight ritual. But he looked kind of sick. So I asked him how he was feeling.
"Not good, Mom. When you were whispering in my ear, the hot breath went into my ears and into my body and made me feel like I have to throw up."
In the car a few days ago, Gage said something unkind to Kjel, and with all of her little girl strength, she said, "Jage, that hurts my heart."
Almost killed me with cuteness.
Will has developed this weird habit of reaching down the back of me and Steven's pants when we are within reach. It is extremely awkward. Especially because we don't usually realize it's happening till he's literally grabbing our bums OR biting them. Oh yeah, he's a biter.
Steven and I wanted to play Monoply really bad (this is probably about a month ago now). We had been talking in Gru/Russian accents for days because once you start it is really hard to stop. He didn't want to drive all the way to Target or Walmart to buy Monopoly so he called the Kinney that's down the street from our house and asked in a thick Russian accent if they happened to have Monopoly for sale. They did. I almost died laughing when he told me about how he had to keep talking in the accent the entire time he was at the store.
30 April, 2015
|Will on the slides today at the park :)|
Today is the first full day in Will's life that I haven't nursed him. If I could have, I would have continued nursing until he got on the bus for the first day of Kindergarten. Well, maybe not that long, but longer than this. For health reasons, I've known for a while that I would have to wean earlier than I'd hoped, but now that it's actually happening, my heart is just broken.
I remember when Will was about six months old and I was feeling especially fluffy. It was frustrating because I'd been dieting and exercising like crazy, but couldn't lose the baby weight. I considered weaning and dismissed it almost immediately. I couldn't deny that if I weaned him I'd lose weight. I couldn't deny that losing weight would make me feel better. But far more importantly than both of those points, stood the resolute fact that weaning Will would be based on purely selfish reasons.
And now I'm at this horrid point where the selfless decision is to wean. It just hurts.
And I'm having to remind myself of the truth that has taken years to sink in and still isn't quite there: selflessness = happiness.
As a mother, especially, but of course as a human in general, I've watched this play out in my life - the more selfish I am, the more miserable I am. The more selfless I am, the more peaceful I am. That doesn't mean that in the moment there isn't pain.
Of course, with breastfeeding there are hormones and instincts and bonding-type-things that come into play which make it a different realm of difficult. It's hard to explain what it's like. It feels like you are betraying someone; it feels like you are turning your back on an innocent baby in need; it feels like you are being replaced; it feels like everything is changing and you just want normal back; it feels like you aren't needed; it feels like you can't do anything right. It feels like a lot more things but I'll stop there. Weaning is hard. It's so so so hard.
And that is good.
I'm glad that it's hard for me. I'm glad that I'm being forced into weaning. I'm glad that I fought the fight to keep doing something that was not always desirable for me, because I love Will. Maybe I'm starting to understand, in a small way, what it's like to live for others.
Here's something. I'm not great at positive self-talk. But I'll try. I'm glad I'm the kind of mom that didn't stop weaning because I wanted to lose weight. Or because it wasn't always convenient. I'm glad I'm the kind of mom who puts my children first. That makes me feel proud of myself, it makes me feel blessed. It makes me feel like progression is real in my life.
Today is the first day I haven't nursed him. It's the first day that his life hasn't been dependent on me. But I feel really, really good that I'm the kind of mom he can depend on. Breastfeeding or not.